Monday 31 October 2011

I Dreamed a Dream

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
Why cant everything just always be happy and fun!? Why cant we just live our dreams!? Why must there always be those down times? Sure some people say that good needs bad to exist, but I ask why does bad need always linger somewhere?
Look, my day has been a little crap, but then again it has been ok. I spent the day up in Sydney at rehearsals, which where fun, but nothing is as amazing as I wanted it to be! Why cant everyone get a solo? Some people have 2 to 3, couldnt they just have shared the load! Why must people have stupid pompous ideas about 'You dont have a solo? Sorry I refuse to talk to you.' It horrible! Why cant he notice me!?!?!?
Gah! My stupid infatuation with 'Prince Charming' is exactly that, stupid. Its never going to happen, thanks to my amazingly large amount of shyness, which when coupled with my lack of solo, is like a major turn off to anyone! In a perfect world, I would have been given a solo, I would be talking to him, things would be good! Or even dont give me a solo, but let him notice me...LOVE ME!!!!!
Today is a bit of a pity post, a silly teenage boy post about stupid things that wont happen. A crappy post about stupid crushes. I apologize, but I needed to get it off my chest.
Dreams! Who needs them! They just make people sad...

Now I leave you with a photo of someone who looks a little like 'Prince Charming', kinda...not really. Infact, if you want to try and guess who, I have posted a picture of the actual 'Prince Charming' in a previous post. I wonder if anyone can guess who?




Sunday 30 October 2011

Anything Goes

And though I'm not a great romancer
I know that I'm bound to answer
When you propose,
Anything goes!


She is the modern Goddess of Musical Theatre. Sutton Foster is purely amazing! Everytime I watch her I get depressed for all the girls in the theatre world. I even get depressed for the boys, because frankly, she could pull off anything!
I thought I would use this song today because it has been a good day, and this song makes me happy. I got to spend all of yesterday and little bit of today in the presence of 'Prince Charming'. We had rehearsals, in fact, I have more tomorrow, so that is another early morning for me! Rehearsals are getting better, although I must admit, I am a little angry because 'Ego Boy' is back with a vengence. I also am just chorus in this show, the only male chorus, yaay me (sarcasm intended).
Its really quite sad, because there is this unspoken pecking order in the show. A heirarchy that everyone knows exists, but no one talks about. There are the special group of soloists who occupy the grand court (the nobles), then there are the next lot of soloists (the middle class), then there is the peasants (chorus). It makes it really horrible, because the 'nobles' dont really ever talk to the 'peasants', I mean we can try, but with my gift of shyness, it makes it very hard. I think in the past 2 months, ive only ever laughed at a few of 'Prince Charming's' jokes, and then added a few words here and there in a conversation between us all. Pathetic right? Although! A breakthrough occurred today. I had a decent conversation with the 'Prince Charming's' best friend, who is also playing the princess in the show. We shared something in common, and I acted up it. Slowly but surely I may be bridging the gap between the 'Prince' and the 'Pauper' (Im sorry, I couldnt help it, cliches are my thing).
Also, my foot was good enough to dance on today, so I got to do a bit of that. Our piece went really well!
Really scary part of it all is that we are reharsing at the venue tomorrow. So if anyone is at the Sydney Entertainment Center tomorrow, I will be gracing your presence. Lets hope everything goes well!
I guess in regard to the 'Prince' im just hoping that something happens. Something in his mind makes him look my way, talk to me a little bit. Blindness of the heart? I try as much as I can, I try, but I really just need to get over my self consciousness, and go up and strike a conversation. Gah! If only.




Do You Hear the People Sing?

Do you hear the people sing?
Singing a song of angry men?
It is the music of a people,
Who will not be slaves again!

It only takes one man to destroy an empire. Yesterday, the entire fleet of QANTAS aircraft were grounded. All over the world, the 'Red Kangaroo' was told to stay firmly on the floor. Thousands of passengers have either been not been able to get to their destination, or be stranded in it. The media have said that it has been because of Union action. Which is partly true. The ground staff have been striking for a little while now, but they havent affect the whole fleet entirely. They never sought to do that. Alan Joyce, the CEO of QANTAS, has obviously gone insane!
The public cannot blame the Union's, they should blame the corporate's. Only a few weeks ago he gave himself a sizable bonus in the millions. Meanwhile, the people working below him, the people who give QANTAS its good name are left with minimum pay. This whole situation is horrible, and to think of all the people who are stuck where they are.
Please, dont blame the flight attendants, or ground staff, or baggage handlers, because it was the actions of one man that brought the airline that never crashed, burning to the ground.





Friday 28 October 2011

Heigh Ho!

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho
It's off to work we go.

So, ive come to the conclusion that builders were not put on this planet to build at all. They were sent here to entice the passerby, depress the sexually innactive, and excite the active. They are basically paid to strut around flaunting what they have to offer. Sure, this makes them sound like they are strippers, but really, what is the difference between to two.
I know that at this very moment, two very fine examples of the species are doing what they do best across the street. One is infact shirtless, a perfect example of why they are basically strippers. They walk around half naked for most of the day, pounding, gyrating, and lifting. They also spend half their time standing motionless, hands either crossed or firmly placed on their hips, looking out into the distance, add a spotlight and it would be the perfect silhouette. Although, I may be wrong about this, they may just be taking a small standing nap, as what is always found upon their nose is a pair of dark tinted sunglasses. The type that you cant see through, however you know are hiding a pair of passionate eyes. Then mix together the glistening traces of sweat upon their highly developed musceles, and the pants that are always pulled down just enough to show the beginnings of a v on their front and you have a modern Adonis!
Maybe I should go and take a few tips from them? Ask them to enlighten me on the ways of builderhood. But who am I kidding, as if I would EVER do that. What is the point of me even thinking about it.


Thursday 27 October 2011

Sometimes When You Dream

Sometimes when you dream,
Your dreams come true,
In extraordinary ways,
Suddenly a day can be so amazing!
So, I am lying here on my bed, laptop resting on my belly, in a mood of bliss. My exam went incredibly well today! It seems that my unusual lack of stress yesterday was for the best! So now, I can just be happy! My really hard exams are over, I just have my easy one in two weeks, which I am not worried about one bit!
Ive been thinking, I should probably get my RSA, because I guess, it would be fun to work at a bar next year while im at uni. I could totally be the typical bar working, uni student! Working to get through my studies. I have also concluded that I need to grow up! I have been playing the part of Peter Pan for most of my life now, but as high school comes to an end, I feel that its time for me to follow the path that I am supposed to. I think that moving up to Sydney will help this immensely, so I cannot wait until that happens. Ive been looking, and a few places have come up tht woudl suit us perfectly!
Other than all that, ive just been dreaming a little more. Just the usual, wishing that I had have had a nice boy to come home to after my exam today. Its funny actually, I was talking to one of my friends about what we would like in a boy, and he has a very definitive list. Going as far as saying no cropped hair, no really long hair, the list was quite extensive. Me on the other hand, I just ask for them to be around my age, not younger, and as tall as me, preferably taller. The only problem with this is that I am mutantly tall, so I guess my list is just as hard as my friends. Gah!
More rehearsals this weekend, infact I have to learn John Lennon's 'Imagine'. Not really learn it, just familiarise myself with the lyrics. I certainly know the tune, I mean who doesnt? Then I have a very nice break week next week. Oh the bliss!


Wednesday 26 October 2011

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Today was a good day. Which was really quite unexpected, because I have a huuuuuge exam tomorrow, and I thought I would be stressing out completely, but im not, I mean, as you can see, ive even found time to write a post! I guess I have just come to teh conclusion that, if I dont know it now, then there is quite a small chance I will know it tomorrow.
So I spent a little bit of time going over notes and that sort of stuff a bit earlier. I went to work for 3 hrs as well, which was a little unexpected, the girl who I share my job with was sick today so I got a few extra hours. I also went to see one of my most dear, and amazing, and completely beautiful friends today. Havent had a chance to see her for about 3 weeks. Gah! If only I wasnt gay! She is so perfect. Has the whole 'girl next door' vibe going on, and she has a voice! A beautiful one! We were actually husband and wife in a production earlier this year. Was soo good!
Right now though, as im basking in the glory of the day thats been, looking out my window over the ocean. A full rainbow acting as a frame to this picture. Everything seems good. I mean, in reality its not, in reality everything is completely crazy and stuffed up and shitty, but to me, in my state of bliss, everything is amazing! Just imagine a tall, slim dark haired boy, wearing blue and white checked overalls and red converse, holding a little basket, with a golden retriever (I like them more than what Toto is) standing dopily by his side looking out over a rainbow. That is what im imagining at the moment. That is where I want to be. A place where 'dreams that you dare to dream really do come true'. A good place, a happy place.




 


Tuesday 25 October 2011

Astonishing

Now nothing feels the way it was before
And I don't know how to proceed.
I only know I'm meant for something more
I've got to know if I can be
Astonishing



Well, after my particularly heavy post below, I thought I would have a little pick me up post. A short happy, and somewhat light hearted post! The key to happiness is smiling :)
So even though I am sitting here alone, rain pouring down outside, and I may have just gone through a spontaneous sad moment. I now am moving on. Closing the gates  in my mind, and thinking happy!
This song is stunning, it is kind of an anthem for me. Something that inspires me to keep fighting for what I want. All my obstacles have just made me stronger! So hopefully the future will just be a happy fun time, considering all that ive faced while ive been young.
I really feel like partying, but I have my HUGELY HUGE exam in two days, so I need to have a clear mind. Wow, ive really felt like partying for a while now, so unlike me. I guess I just always want what I cant have.




Whispering

Listening
To the souls in the fool's night,
Fumbling mutely with their rude hands
And there's heartache without end.

Ive never talked about this before, and I really didnt ever imagine myself talking about it. It's something ive almost forgotten about, yet I never truely will forget. Ive tried to lock it away in my mind, but I guess I really just need to get it out. Maybe im being overly dramatic, I don't know?
When I was thirteen, mum and I lived in this really cool gated off estate, beautiful area, right on the harbour. We had access to gyms, cafes, tennis courts, and pools, all for use by estate residents. It was amazing. It was here that something, quite bad happened to me, and by someone I would never have expected. Mum decided to have a party one Friday night, so she invited a few close friends around. One of her friends bought their son, who was about 16, so that I wouldnt be bored in my room all night, although I kind of think the night would have gone better if I had have been alone. This boy, we will call him James, was from a very prestigious school in Sydney, it was a boarding school, all boys, and was incredibly expensive, very much into its football. He was always really nice to me, and I didnt see a problem with him coming over, I mean I was only 13, I hadnt even really even thought of the idea of myself being gay yet.
We went down to the pool for a swim, the sun was going down, so there were no people. It was really good for a little while, we were having races, 'bombing' competitions, the usual. Until we got into the spa. It was really weird, as if he had a complete change of heart. I remember him talking about things that I really didnt think were very appropriate for me at such a young age.
He then grabbed my hand and put it on his crotch. Initially I thought it was a joke, haha funny, but then I realised he wasnt joking. I quickly withdrew my hand and started to get out of the spa, the key to get out of the pool area was over by the towels, so I made my way over there, but he grabbed my arm and said something like 'Do you really think you can outrun me?' I was a little surprised by what he said, and as I reached for my towel, I accidently pushed his towel onto the ground. He suddenly got very mad. He dragged me over to the shallow pool, and said that I shouldnt have done that. I knew something bad was about to happen, so I tried a few times to get away, but he was always near the key, so I could never get out. Eventually he caught up with me again.
He grabbed my head, and held me under the water, everytime he let me come up to breathe he put my face right on his crotch. I remember he had this look on his face, it was a mixture of anger and happiness and cruelty. It was about the 5th time he pulled me up that I saw him slowly begin to undo his boardshorts. I was pleading for him to let me go. I certainly had no power over him, he was a HUGE 16 year old, and I was just this wimpy little 13. Just as he undid his pants, another person came into the pool area. My saviour, hidden by the guise of a lap swimmer. James quickly let me go, and I ran home. He was close behind, I mean he had to go come back to my house. I remember I had to spend the next 4 hours in the same room as someone who just tried to sexually abuse me.
Ive never told that story, and I dont really know what it means for me to be telling it now. Am I blaming that for making me introverted? Am I blaming it for making me what I am? I guess I am.
I know that my experience is definetly quite small compared to what others have suffered, but I cant imagine what would have happened if the lap swimmer hadnt have interrupted. Everyone just needs to be so aware of the dangers of sexual abuse, it is soo emotionally shattering. I remember that for years I blamed myself for what happened. I thankfully never saw James again. And I guess that by keeping it secret, it kind of means he won, he beat me, he litarally pushed me down and didnt let me get back up.Its a horrible feeling, and I think that even just by me expressing my little experience, I hope that people can understand that it happens. It happens to people who you would never expect it to happen to. It is something that can destroy a person. Thankfully, I guess, I got off lightly, I was able to lock it away.

Maybe that is the reason I am so self conscious, and so shy. Maybe that is the reason I just want to be held, and loved. Maybe I just need to stop blaming myself...


Monday 24 October 2011

Don't Rain On My Parade

Get ready for me, love,
'cause I'm a comer,
I simply gotta march,
My heart's a drummer.
Nobody, no, nobody
Is gonna rain on my parade!

Today is a me day. One of those, 'No one can stop my dreams from coming true!' days. What do you call those sort of days?...Self enlightenment days? Mental health days? All of the above days?
I just needed a little pick me up, less of the, staring out longingly over the ocean sort of thing, and more of the, just jump in and swim! Sometimes I need to do that to myself, I let my melodramatic side take over and I start living my life as if I was in movie (everyone does it...), so I just needed to re ground myself, tell myself that I need to work hard to be successful, because we all know that the performing arts industry has like a 5% success rate. So that means, head down and push through the pain!
One of my very favourite shows of all time is Glee. Yes...I love it, it is my life, but I have reason to love it, because that is what I aspire to do. I aspire to be the male version of Lea Michele....someday I will meet her, and someday we will become best friends and share every Saturday having a glamorous lunch and then going to see shows on Broadway in our private box seats....sigh....everyone has to have dreams. Until that happens, I have to keep going, not getting lost in my delusions, and keep going!
It happens too often that I break into song midway through a conversation, go floating down a hallway with the music playing in my mind, taking those purposeful/dancer like steps to the beat of a song. Although I can blame a little of that on my school, it used to happen all the time, Performing Arts High Schools are like musicals themselves. I just hope that someday, I will be able to do that as a job. Run onto the stage with all the passion and emotions I feel, and entertain!





Quick side note, Glee always seems to get the most good looking people. Just look at them! Imagine them all in a room together, I dont know how they dont cook themselves!

Sunday 23 October 2011

Under the Sea

Up on the shore they work all day
Out in the sun they slave away
While we devotin', full time to floatin'
Under the sea!

Today I took a little break and went down to the beach for a while. Its always so calming, walking along the sand, the water rolling in and out around your feet.
I went and bought the Sunday paper and had a little sit in the sun. The usual stuff in the paper; government not doing its job, television channels having major shake ups. I always turn to the back first, have a little look at the 'A List Parties', and see what shows are on the stage at the moment. Its funny, I always seem to wish I had been at the parties, chatting to the celebrities, dancing with the stars (hehe). Everything just seems so glamorous at them.
When I finished the paper, I went for another little walk, up and down the beach again, and then I intended to walk around the point to the next beach along, however the tide was a tad further in than I anticipated, so I had to backtrack a little. Its funny watching all the people at the beach on weekends. Our local beach is well known for being a tourist destination, so lots of people come to it from all around, in the holidays it is practically impossible to get a spot, so us locals savour the quiet time during the working weeks. As this weekend was so spectacular, weather wise, it was very busy. I thought I would take a more scenic route home after my failed 'point walk'.
I took a path that went up the cliff, and had a little sit on the top. It was really nice. Watching the clear water below, and the surfers attempt to dodge the unknowing civilians. As much as I say that living in this little seaside village is the bane of my existence...it realy isnt. It is quite beautiful, scenery and people, a nice array of surfer boys. I love water as well, so maybe the beach is good for me. Maybe tomorrow I can spend a bit more time down at the beach, take some of my notes and have a little sunbake (safely, you know, slip, slop, slap, and all that). Maybe my Prince Charming will turn out to be a surfer? I highly doubt it, but you never know.



Saturday 22 October 2011

An Explanation...

I just thought I would let you know what the format of my posts have been, and the reason for the Blog name.
The whole idea of this Blog is that it is a place where I can express myself. Usually this only happens onstage for me, so thats where I got the idea of calling it Gay Teen!: The Musical. It is literally a musical of my life. It contains all the melodrama and plot that any normal musical would ask for, the sad part is that this is my actual life. Each posts name is a song, and the post usually starts with lyrics from that song. The songs usually have something to do with the content of the post.
Its funny, because I have always wanted there to be a soundtrack to life, and I guess what im doing is creating that. When I look back, I can remember that on that day, that song was running through my head. Most of the songs so far have been from some of my favourite musicals, and there is plenty more to come. I just thought I would let everyone know, becasue some of the post titles are quite random, but that is because its the name of the song.

When You Wish Upon a Star

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you

Its really quite pathetic. I have just spent most of the morning crying over old Disney clips. I made the mistake of looking up 'Best moments of Disney' on YouTube before I went to work this morning. The music, the magic, everything! Beautiful! Gah, what it is to be a child!
Just those little moments, when bambi stumbles out of the cave looking for his mother, when Pocahontas runs after the ship taking John Smith back to England, when Ariel reaches out of her grotto for the 'World Above'. Walt Disney was just a complete genious.
I also went looking for a particular series of Disney photography I have seen recently, quite a good way to procrastinate a little bit. I was so happy when I found it! The Annie Leibovitz Dream Portraits. Not only are they Disney, but they are famous people in the performing arts industry, AND they are by Annie Leibovitz, one of the greatest photographers of all time! These images are completely and utterly beautiful.
Its quite amazing how sounds can ignite your memory. Just the songs playing in the Disney clips reminded me so much of Disneyland. Not the whole park, just one room (well hall). This hall was huge, and it was tucked away behind a shop, and down a little corrador. As soon as you entered it, your ears were filled with the soundtracks of Disney movies, and all over the dome shaped room were projections of different moments in the movies. It went chronologically through all of them. It was stunning. Truely magical.





Annie Leibovitz

Friday 21 October 2011

Another Day

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past.

And so...I continue to live my life day by day...with the usual occurings going on. Just came home from dance, was fairly uneventful due to my fractured foot. Yes! It turns out my foot was fractured, but its alright! The doctor said that it will be healed for my performance and auditions. Was quite a close call though, gah! Im home alone once more, I might as well live alone, because mother dearest is off abroad so often.
I really feel like travelling. I have this weird urge. I havent been anywhere since Christmas, which is quite unusual. Although, next time I go overseas, I feel like I want to go with friends. Not anywhere like Bali, somewhere further, and more exciting. Initially I was thinking of going back to San Francisco and then going over to New York as well, but there is no point in doing that until im 21, so I was thinking of somewhere like Paris, or England. Alot of my family is in England, so it would make accomodation quite easy, but I guess I kinda want to get away from family. One of my Sydney friends suggested Paris. I havent been, so I would really love to go eventually, so I guess it would be fun to go with them. I can just imagine it now, a little Parisian apartment with a small balcony overlooking a cobbled lane and courtyard. Would be fun! Maybe I could find myself a Romeo?
Travelling is in my blood I guess. Most of my family was in the industry. Either flying or sailing. Both my parents are flight attendants, and my uncle and aunty(dads side) were too. My mums dad was an aeronautical engineer back in the day, and a radio engineer for the navy before that, and my dads dad was a Pilot! Its quite weird really. Having all these contacts has helped me fill a few passport pages as well. Ive been all around the world, minus a few paces here and there, funnily enough, most of them being European countries, which is where my extended family are. I will get back in the air or on the water again soon, im sure, its just this annoying exam period that is ruining everything!
I cant realy think about the splendour of the future yet, not with all the stuff going on at the present. Oh well, things will cool down soon.



Thursday 20 October 2011

We Can Do It

We can do it, we can do it,
We can make our dreams come true
Everything you've ever wanted
Is just waiting to be had!

So ive decided that the HSC is a time of an incredibly large amount of boring! Which doesnt hlep my blog out very much, because it means im not doing anything worth blogging! In approximately 1 week I will have finished my two major exams, and in 3 weeks, I will be completely finished! This means that in about 3 weeks, I will be able to let my hair down, and finally start attending parties, and functions, and outings again!!!
Oh the joy of the thought...although...I will still be bunkered down by my big Sydney performance, and by my auditions, however, surely I can have a little bit of a party. Even just a gathering in Sydney, Gah, it feels like forever since ive seen my Sydney friends. I usually go up for a few days every holidays, but I couldnt in the last ones because of exams and rehearsals. Oh well, when everything is finished, I will be a happy free man.
The prospect of University is a little scary. If I get into the performing arts Uni I want, then I will be moving over to Perth, but if I dont, and I get into one of my other choices, its up to Sydney I go! Back to the land of life! Ive actually been looking at work around Sydney, just a part time job that I can enjoy during my studies. Something much different from my current Pharmacy job. Im thinking of working in luxury fashion, there have been a few part time jobs available, so maybe give those a try in the near future.
I seemed to have done a pretty good job at talking about nothing, I will try and think of something else to say for later.




Tuesday 18 October 2011

Hakuna Matata

Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase.
Hakuna Matata! Ain't no passing craze
It means no worries for the rest of your days.

Today is a lazy day. By lazy day I mean study day, but only casually. Its been more of a thinking day I guess. Thinking about the present, and the future. Ive decided that when my foot gets a little better im going to start an exercise routine. I really am disasterously skinny, I basically need to bulk up a little, add a bit of muscle. I was watching myself back on rehearsal videos from the weekend, and I just look so gross on stage. Complete difference to 'Prince Charming' who has a nice coverage of muscle. Maybe it would add a bit to my self esteem as well, all I can do is try!
I have my BIG auditions in a few weeks, so I was learning monologues and songs today as well. Gah! Hectic lifestyle, never a time to truly rest. Im reading a really good play at the moment, 'Dancing at Lughnasa' by Brian Friel. It has a monologue I am doing in it. Im only about a quarter of the way through, so we shall see how it pans out.
A week until my first exam! Guess I should get back to studying.

Monday 17 October 2011

Dancing Through Life

The trouble with school is,
they always try to teach the wrong
lesson.

So today the HSC examinations begin! Good luck to all year 12 students, hope you all achieve the marks that you hope for. Today is the beginning of the end of your high school life! Soon enough we will all be out frolicking in the real world.  
In the words of a wise person 'Always aim for the moon, and if you dont make it, you will still be amongst the stars.'


ps. If only all the boys in the library looked like these guys.


Sunday 16 October 2011

Agony

Am I not sensitive,
Clever, Well-mannered, Considerate,
Passionate,Charming, As kind as I'm handsome
And heir to a throne?

Arrogance is the bain of the performing arts. I have just spent the last two days rehearsing for a huge show happening soon, which showcases some of the states younger performing talent. The whole experience has been ruined for me by a certain individual. Although, I must admit I was somewhat preparing myself for this person, as he goes to my school.
His ego is enormous, and he has a pompous and self centered 'air' around him. The worst part is that he does it in an unusual fashion. He isnt completely in your face with 'Oh I can do this and that', he is more like, 'Oh yeah thats sooo cool, I remember when I did that'(using that typical gay slurr) chuckling grosely. What makes it worse is that he prances about, doing dance moves, while singing songs that show off his voice, just when walking around in a casual setting. Sure, he is very talented, his range is amazing! But I just dont see how people cant see through his ego. He also has three solos in the show, which dont help the situation.
Meanwhile, there are all these other amazing people around him, and I just wish they knew what he was like. Well really I just want them to notice me, because frankly, im not going to flit about singing songs to make friends, and im especially not going to suck up to anyone! Oh well, hopefully they see me soon. My stupid shy side appears waaay too often at these rehearsals.
Theres also this amazing boy there, who I would really just love to notice me. He is a Prince Charming. Literally, he is doing the Prince Charming duet from 'Enchanted'. He's so incredible, he has already done professional productions and his only my age! Another positive is his hot! with an hot buff body to match. Gah! Dreams...

I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss
And a prince I'm hoping comes with this,
That's what brings everaftering so happy.




Friday 14 October 2011

Gimme Gimme

Highs and lows, tears and laughter
Gimme happy ever after
Gimme, gimme that thing called love.

 Its amazing how thoughts of love poison the mind. How those innocent views of true love seem to seep into the brain, slowly turning it to mush. I remember my first experience of love, well, more like one sided love, well more like a massive crush, it was rather pathetic really.
At our school popularity is based on talent, if you're the lead, then you're the king or queen of the school, basically. I remember my first crush was on a boy in the year above me. He was the one who handed down the crown to me. He was the jewel of our school, lead in all the productions, amazing voice and dance skills, incredible academic achiever, and went on to go to NIDA(prestigious drama college) and to later be in a very popular proffessional musical. He wasnt always my crush though. At first, I thought he was a complete wanker, a self indulgent, egotistical, snob. It was when he left that I began to realise that I actually really liked him. He came back down for a few productions the school was putting on, and always gave me a hug at the end. He gave good hugs. Although, it wasnt until a night out I had with friends that the crush really developed.
It was a birthday celebration, and a little group of my friends decided to hit the town. We met up with his group, who was made up of some of our really close friends in the year above, and we ended up merging groups and hangin all night. It was a good night, he bought me a drink, I didnt really know if that meant anything, but I accepted it politely. I really am not good with flirting, or getting close to someone, and even more embarrassing is that im not that great at casual dancing. The night(or shall I say morning) ended with a big hug and yeah.
It had started, I was really into him, and we had little conversations on facebook here and there, nothing crazy, no inclination of him liking me. Then about a week later I went to stay with my Sydney friends, we ended up on Oxford Street, had a little group of people, drank a bit too much. Guess who should turn up? The crush walked casually into the club, we saw eachother and were blown away, wow, how bout that. Hugs all round. I thought it was fate, something had put us together that night, and it was going to join us. Well it didnt, instead he hung around with his friends(people I didnt know) and I stayed with mine. Should I have tried harder? Am I just horrible at small talk and flirting? Im pretty sure im socially disabled.
Maybe my curse is to forever be alone. I know, im being stupid, im only 18. But dont people usually have relationships before 18? Hell! Im sure they do, they usually lose their virginity at 16! Why am I so sexually inept?! Someday, somehow, it will happen.

The Show Must Go On

Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
The show must go on

I always feel like the composer of my life seems to not want me to perform. I was given a voice, which is my gift, however whenever I have a show or performance coming up, something bad always happens.
Im pretty sure I broke my foot today. I wasnt doing anything strenuous. I was walking down the stairs, and I stepped down and landed weirdly onto my foot. I heard a crack and then pain.
I have a HUGE show in Sydney coming up, and I have my auditions for performing arts universities scattered throughout the next month as well. If I end up in a cast that means I cant dance for 6-8 weeks, which means I cant do any of these things. Im hoping, praying, its just a sprain or minor fracture I cant get into the doctors until Monday so I will see then.
Its things like this that always seem to happen to me. For our big school musical last year (a big event because I go to a performing arts high school) I was cast as lead, and after putting all my time and energy into that for 6 months, I was admitted to hospital with appendicitis 3 days before the show opened. That was a major physical and emotional part of my life. I had used all my energy to get better so I could finish the showrun, I even got out of hospital just in time to go and watch opening night, support my friends. But when I was ready (halfway through the showrun) the teachers saw it as 'unfair' to the understudy, so I only got to do 2 shows out of the 6 remaining, not even being allowed to do closing night.
Perhaps im cursed? Im always finding myself up against obstacles, which I always try and conquer, but recently, im just losing the energy to fight against them. I know this seems like a bit of an 'Oh, why is life SO hard' type of post, but I am really just over everything! Over it in the sense that im angry, im angry that the puppeteer who is controlling my life has got an infatuation with hammers.
The show must go on, but it always seems to be without me.


In Every Age

In every age mankind attempts to fabricate great works
At once magnificent,
And impossible...

Two of my Sydney friends decided today that they would get out of bed at the lovely time of 3am to go and wait in line for the new iPhone 4s. I must say that as crazy as this whole exercise sounds, I kinda wish that I was there with them.
I have wanted an iPhone for a while now, and am hoping to get one for my birthday in November(hoorah! Only a month away), but the whole experience of waiting in line with the other few hundred people to be one of the first to get the new iPhone just sounds so exciting. Maybe im just going a little crazy, being couped up at home all holidays.
There has been much groaning over the new model, which I do understand, I mean we were all waiting for the exciting 5 to grace our presence, however, we should just be happy that they ironed out the faults that the 4 had(the reception issue was just plain stupid). Anyway, I see it as a door for me to enter into the iPhone fanclub. Ive been a big supporter of Apple for a very long time, I remember when our family got our first computer, it was one of the very first models of a Mac, it was soo exciting! Look at where that has progressed, I dont know one person who doesnt have an iPod or Macbook.
Lets hope that they have fun with their new purchase, and that it lives up to everything they wanted it to be. Im sure one of the major reasons for them getting an iPhone was for Grindr, but lets forget about that for the moment, and just pretend that they want to be a part of the awesomeness that is the Apple empire.





Thursday 13 October 2011

I Feel Pretty!

I feel pretty, Oh so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!

So, just quickly before I go to bed, ive decided to add a little fashion gadget to the blog. In keeping with the theme I have called it the 'Costume of the Week'. I thought it would give a nice little window into my wardrobe as well, so im not a complete blank canvas when you're reading about me.
Im quite liking the earthy colour palette that is popular at the moment, I even went and bought myself some tan chinos to add to my collection. The white, beige and sand combination, I feel, is very light and flowing, summery. I also really liked the addition of denim that GQ did a while ago, good for those cold summer days that we seem to be getting alot more of.







Masquerade

Masquerade! Paper faces on parade.
Masquerade! Hide your face, so the world will never find you!

Fairly poignant I thought. I have been reading alot recently about the 'hidden' gays in all the full on physical sports like football and soccer, and the facade of complete butch males that some of the boys put on. This was quite funny for me because my old high school, before we moved, was an all boys Catholic school, which was very much into its sports.
My friends and I were always taunted for being different and called all the names under the sky because we were slightly more feminine than most. None of us were actually out as gays, but the school community seemed to label anyone who didnt like football, and who wasnt covered with muscles, with the tag of being either a girl or gay. Stupid I know. I remember I always thought that was a bit hypocritical, because they all used to touch eachothers dicks and spank eachother and all that, as a 'joke' of course.
What was so funny about it was that I had a little experience with the football captain at last years Mardi Gras, no nothing raunchy (unfortunately), but very eye opening. My friends and I had just turned 18, so we went to Sydney in a smallish group to have a bit of fun.
We sat and watched the whole parade, and then we didnt know where to go, so we wandered around for a bit. This then turned into a game, with me being the subject, they all saw it necessary that at some stage of that night I should 'hook up'(kiss) with a guy for the first time. I evaded this for most of night, as they lost interest pretty quickly. However, as we were looking for a suitable club (one with the smallest line up), the 'football captain' walks up to us. Initially he doesnt remember me, casually handing us some free 'no line up' passes to a club(he works there), which I was quite happy about, but suddenly he remembers and we say hi and all that awkwardness. It just so happens to be that at this time, one of my friends decides to start playing the game again asking him if he will give me a kiss...well things then became even more awkward, because 1. we were never really friends at my old school, I mean he was nice, at least he didnt do the taunting and stuff, and 2. he didnt know I was gay(at this stage only those who I was with did). So he politely declined and we quickly departed, using the tickets to get into his club.
It was as we were climbing the stairs of the place (it was on the upper storey) that he (the football captain) catches up to me. We are a little way behind the group. We talk for a little bit, polite chit chat, and then he suddenly says that I am hot, and that if he was gay he would 'totally go out with me'. I was quite elated by this(on the inside, outside I had to keep cool), and very amazed. Needless to say the rest of the night was spent sharing eye sex with him, but nothing ever came out of it.
I just thought I would share this because, I aggree completely about the closetted gay stance that some people have, and I just wish that they didnt have to be so aggressive to try and cover it up. Its just stupid, there is nothing wrong with being gay! Yet here I am, still mostly in the closet. Gah!



Cell Block Tango

Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh...Cicero...Lipschitz!
So for the next two days im home alone, trapped in the cave that is my house. Sure I could go down to the beach, but its a little cold. I just got home from singing, so I dont really feel like going anywhere anyway, well at least not for a walk or anything like that.
Its funny, those days where, im guessing, the testosterone begins to well up in your body, and you feel like you could just jump on anyone. I guess in the city you have a better chance of getting someone with the same 'interests' as you, than you do in a small seaside village. Eh, the bane of my life, living in this little town.
 I remember seeing 'Chicago' in Sydney a few years ago, and the Cell Block Tango scene oozed with sexual tension. The kind of sultry, hot, movements and actions that make you shift slightly in your chair. Haha. I remember looking around and seeing all the boyfriends and husbands, who had most likely been dragged to the show by their girl, suddenly gain interest. Its amazing the effect a girl or guy flaunting themselves can have on an audience. Specially when they are talking about prison life and all that jazz(pun totally intended :P). Im quite certain that the movements of Fosse certainly arent a regular in jail. Although I dont think id really mind if I did see some of those burly men in prison strutting their stuff around in front of me. Haha.
I guess I will just have to return to the land of being a boring little(big really, if you read my last post) study freak, who doesnt know how to have any fun! I kinda just feel like going and hitting up Oxford Street tonight, but I know that because my exams are soon, and I have a huge weekend of rehearsals, that I would most likely die if I did. Gah! Bring on November, when I can party to my hearts content! Although if this guy was to give me a call, I might reconsider. :)


Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh...Cicero...Lipschitz!

Wednesday 12 October 2011

Mama Who Bore Me

Mama who bore me
Mama who gave me
No way to handle things
Who made me so sad

There is always this overwhelming feeling of helplessness when you see your mother cry. Sure, ive seen her cry before, but all those times have been for happiness and joy. Today they were tears of sorrow, and pain. Tears of not knowing if she can do it anymore.
Today, the car wouldnt start. Today, we had to pay $210 for a new battery. Today, the car continues to not work properly. Today, the fridge begins to stop working. We only have one car, our trusty Volkswagon Golf. Both of our banks accounts are at zero, until Tuesday. After my dad stopped being a dad, things became hard. They were already hard, but after that, they became harder. We began to live week by week, waiting for mums pay to go in, and then not leaving anything in the bank once it was. Sure, I have a job, but with my studies and performing commitments, I can hardly work. I guess also living in this little town doesnt offer much in terms of work. When we moved here it was to get out of the city, rent out a nice place for less, but the problem is that mum still has to travel back to the airport most days, and I usually have to go up there for performing, spending about the same on petrol as we used to on rent in Sydney.
I was actually a little surprised when I saw my mum cry. I always thought that I would cry with her, but I didnt. Instead, I got angry. Not at her, but just at everything. I wanted to kick the car, and punch the fridge, and just have a massive temper tantrum right there. I contained myself, but I hated seeing my mum cry. The worst part is that, you never imagine your parent crying, well I never did, and when it happened it was absurd. I felt like I was looking into a mirror, because all the facial movements and wimpers that were happening, they were all things that I usually do.
I was always told I looked like my dad, with my mothers toes. I hated that. Being put up against the person who disowned me. But now I can say that I look like my mum when I cry. I look like a person who has given up everything in the world for her son, a person who uses all her strength to love and cherish life. I look like a person who has a heart of diamond and a soul of gold. I look like a person who has passion for everything she does......which makes me so happy.

Without You

Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.

This morning I woke up with two things firmly imprinted into my mind.
1. The Spartan System of Education, which is one of my Ancient History topics
2. How much I yearn to be in a relationship, or even just to experience love
Just having those dreams of being held. Maybe my infatuation with this is because I have always been the one who has had to keep things together, ive always been the mediator or the 'strong one'. For once I would just like to fall into someones strong grip, and be held. I can never imagine it. Being held. Mostly because I am 6 foot 3, so my obviously mutant height makes it hard to be the subordinate in the relationship. But that is what I want SO much!
I guess someday it will happen. Another reason I am most likely feeling this is because I found out, only the other day, that all my friends have lost their virginity before me. I know, its such a pubescent thing to say, but it hurts a little, that they have been able to experience what and I havent. Haha. I guess all you can do is laugh and tell yourself that you're saving yourself for the special moment. Oh God! I sound so winey in this, but really, I just want to be loved! Haha
All I ask is that as I walk down the street, a Prince Charming will come and wisk me off my feet. Ah well, I can only dream.
I thought these amazing images by David Kawena were quite poignant. Haha. Can you guess which Disney men they are?








Tuesday 11 October 2011

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

When trying to express oneself, it's frankly quite absurd,
To leaf through lengthy lexicons to find the perfect word.

I started the day off on a low, so I thought I would finish it on a high! The show I am doing at the moment has this in it, no im not doing Mary Poppins (sigh, if only), and everytime I hear it, particularly our Mary saying it backwords, I cant help but smile.
I think the best way to cure sadness is with a smile. Wow. I cant believe how cliched that is, but it is so true. Laughter and happiness always make the worst day amazing! Well at least in my world it does. You see, I am quite childish for my age, I wouldnt say im immature, I mean ive had to grow up quite fast, I just love the fun and happiness and carefree life that a child lives.
 I spent my 18th birthday at Disneyland. Rather than going out and getting completely 'maggot' on alcohol, I reverted back to my 6 year old self and got high on wonderment, adrenaline, and fireworks. I never really wanted to grow up. Sure, there are certainly things that I want to experience as an adult, but I would be perfectly happy going back 14 years. A time when nothing really mattered, you didnt worry about your tan at the beach, or how masculine you are, and you always used to get the most amazing butterflies in your stomach on Christmas Eve, and then when you woke up there was an array of various packages under the tree.
I remember sitting, being glued to the television by the almighty splendour that was Disney! How I wanted to be Ariel, floating beneath the waves, hair dancing about behind. I remember everytime I was at a beach or pool I would try and recreate her bursting out of the water. Although, rather than my hair glamorously soaring above my head and falling lightly behind me, it would hardly move (due to the typical bowl cut) and I would end up going full circle back into the water upside down. Come on, admit it, you've tried it at least once.
Hopefully by me releasing some of my embarassing moments of childhood I have brightened your day a little. If not, then I will just have to try harder next time! I quite like the idea of blogging like this, I remember trying to write a journal when I was little, but it never usually used to work. Lets hope I stay more faithful to this. :)

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'

Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch...Again!

This morning I woke up with this lyric from A Chorus Line running around my mind. I guess it sort of describes my life at the moment, a constant circle of wake up, study, study, rehearse, study, go to sleep. I really shouldnt be complaining, because everyone my age is doing this, but I am just so tired of not getting a break. Sure I have little rests throughout my study, and I may have a day off here and there, but when I am attempting to rest, I am always thinking I should be studying.
This may be slightly to do with my character, I am a bit of a stress head, always stressing about unnecessary things, and Im a worrier as well! Bad mixture. I guess I just need to learn to stop worrying about what could be, and just enjoy it all.
This could also come from my family situation. Im from a broken family, but not your usual mum and dad divorced family, my family is basically in a constant war all the time. Everything was fine until about 4 years agos, I was 14. My parents divorced when I was 3, so the only thing I remember about that time was yelling at my parents to stop shouting because Thomas the Tank Engine was on television. It was all fine after that, my dad is in the flying industry, so he would take me all over the world, and my mum and him even got along pretty well, up until my 14th year of existence. Mum had just started back with QANTAS (she is also in the industry, lucky me!), I lived with mum and went to see dad on weekends, so when my dad was away I would stay with my grandparents, my dads mum and dad. This was also all good, until the said year.
Things somehow became heated, dad got a new girlfriend, and I stopped talking him, this happened occassionally, so I thought it would blow over. It didnt, in fact it got worse, my grandparents called my mum and told her that my dad was fighting for full custody of me and they were supporting him, which was stupid because I was of age to choose where I lived, so custody wouldnt have helped. He stopped helping to pay for my school tuition and performing arts tuition and anythign at all in my life, so eventually I had to leave the private school in Sydney that I attended, and mum and I had to move. Thats how we ended up in the little village, cant say I was too happy about the change, but I got used to it.
I eventually puffed my chest out and gave him a call, it was very awkward, but I made the effort, and I had to keep on making the effort, becasue it was always me who called. This went on for a few years, I would call, maybe go and see him and my grandparetns for a day, then come home. Last year things were pretty good, he had broken up with his girlfriend, and we planned on spending Christmas in America, which we did and it was amazing. When we got home, things got worse again, he decided to stop all contact, including the little bit of money he used to give us. So basically, from then, I have recieved a few abusive texts and emails, and have had to live through my hectic life with the feeling that my dad never found me to be good enough.
My mum is great, she is very supportive of me, so that helps, but sometimes I just wish I had someone who wasnt a family member to bundle me up and hug the life out of me, someone to love me and kiss me. It hasnt happened yet (yes, I am alluding to the fact that I have never had a boyfriend), but I guess it just hasnt been the right time.

Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch...Again!

Monday 10 October 2011

A New World

Today is the beginning, the beginning of an impulse. This blog represents the part of me that doesnt come out often. I hope that someone finds it to be entertaining, or interesting, or something. Most of all I just seek acceptance.
As I said in the blog info, I am really self conscious, which is really quite amazing considering I am in/ looking to be in the performing arts industry, and its not like I have no chance of being in it either. I mean im not one of those people who just dreams to perform on the stage, but has never done anything to help that dream. I have created a name for myself, and I have gained the title of being an up and coming in the Musical Theatre world in Australia.  Its like my performing self and my normal self are completely different. As soon as I step onto the stage I can be someone else, lay my emotions bare, but as I leave it I lock myself away, shut behind a big oak door. So this blog is about tearing down that door and joining the party that is life.
As suggested, I am gay, but ive only really accepted that in the past few months. Im 18, which really seems like a late time to realise your sexual preference, but I think I always knew, I just didnt want it to be true. I do still go to school,  well not really anymore, the HSC starts in 2 weeks, so that part of my life is over pretty much over. I live in a little seaside escape about an hour from Sydney. So here is the beginning of what could be my blossoming.

Im still kinda getting used to this, so please dont be too harsh yet. :) I will fill you in on a bit more about myself tomorrow, and then we shall go from there!