Turning Tables

So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables.

Its amazing. The fear of being left behind. For the past few days, its what has been haunting my mind. I have my HUGE audition in two days, placed nicely on my birthday (sarcasm intended), and my nerves have clouded my emotions. I am at that stage in life where all my friends go their separate paths, I mean we all hope to keep in touch but we all know that doesnt usually happen.

Some of my friends are trying out for the same college, and thsi is what my post is mainly about. Am I horrible in not knowing how I would react if one of my friends made it in and I didnt? I mean of course I would be soo excited for them, but that feeling of loss deep down may arise. I guess all I can hope is that I impress enough to make it in. I have a slim chance, only 10 males in Australia are chosen a year, but there is still that chance. I just need to keep positive. Think about the present, and let the future do what it wants for the time being.

On a happy note! Its my birthday in two days!!!! Hoorah! Happy fun times. It gives me a definitive reason to party, of which I am looking forward to a nice outing to the city with a few friends. Specially those friends who I havent seen in the past 6 months. Gah! I hate it when that happens, when you lose touch with those dear to you. But its alright if it does, becasue you know that the ones who are truely dear will act as if you saw them yesterday!

On the 'Prince Charming' front. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Which is good! becasue my obsessive stage is over, and now im slowly going out of my horrid crush. His grasp over me is fading. Hoorah to freedom!!!!!!





Journey to the Past

One step at a time
One hope then another
Who knows where this road may go.

It amazes me how two faced people can be. I have spent the past few weeks wanting soo badly to be accepted by the 'nobles' in my performance. Coming home in completely depressed moods because I havent feel accepted, but I dont think I want to be anymore.

A young celebrity has just joined the show, hes quite new to the business, and used to do this show last year (its an annual thing). Now I know that last year (when he wasnt famous), people didnt really talk to him much, kinda like whats happening to me. When he became quite well known, lots of the 'nobles' began making fun of him and stuff like that, all behind his back. Now, as he has just joined the show, they are all falling over eachother to have lunch with him, or hug him, or talk to him. It is just pathetic, and I really feel for him. He's only about 13, and thats a hard stage of anyones life, just hitting puberty, trying to make friends, but he has to deal with the performing arts industry (and lets face it, it is pretty horrible) as well!

The show is turning out really well though! Im still utterly depressed about my lack of solo, but its all lessons I guess. I can just focus on my chorus work, which is good because im certainly not expecting to go straight to the top in my musical career. I guess the let down of being in the chorus will be that little bit lighter than the others :) Always have ot keep that positive mindset.

I have the most gigantic auditions of my life on Thursday. I dont think I will ever feel I am prepared enough! But I know I will be, I mean I most likely am now. I just need to do that little bt mroe research on character, and emotional state, and I will be fine! Only two more weeks until I am free of all the bonds that take up my spare time. Hoorah!!!

Any Other World

 Cos It's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in...

I have my last HSC exam tomorrow. Im in this state of complete numbness. The feeling of the unknown. I just have no idea what to do. What will I do? When all the hours of the day that I used to go to school are now free? I guess I will just have to get a job, wait for Uni, and keep going. It will be good! I can finally slow down. Hopefully not too much though, because its a horrible feeling when you are really really busy and then all of a sudden not. Its like a state of limbo, you want to do something, but you dont. Haha, im making no sense at all!

Its my birthday in 10 days. Gah! Wow, I will be 19. I guess I will certainly be a fully fledged adult. Then I have a week of performances, and then downtime. Im preparing for Summer as well! Ive started working out, (cant remember if ive told you that yet?) hopefully making myself less boney, and more muscley :) Also a good way to get a tan!

Other than that, my life has been quite boring. As you might have guessed. So I shall leave it there, and end it with the typical hearthrob!



Be Our Guest

How could anyone be gloomy and depressed?
We'll make you shout "encore!"
And send us out for more
So, be our guest!

Last night I went to a party, and I must say, that it was the craziest party I have ever been to. Full of alcohol, drugs, and nakedness.

I had rehearsals the next morning, early, so I wasnt able to drink, and I had to leave early, but the few hours I was there, it was completely insane! So it was a bit of a celebration for the end of exams. Quite a large crowd. Everyone very happy due to the effects of alcohol. The Night was going well, then out of the corner of my eye a guy casually walks through the house completely nude...everyone was a little confused at first but then accepted it and just tried to avert their eyes, then two more guys decide to continue the trend also taking off all their clothes. Now, I have nothing against nudists, but was it really necessary? This was a completely heterosexual party, except me, and there are three guys walking around displaying their manhood. I dont get it. Why would they really want to do it? Most likely just the combination of drugs and alcohol, but, whatever.
Apart from the few things mentioned above, it was really fun. Got to have nice, happy fun times, and let my hair down a little. People were floating around, obviously high on some drug, which I really dont like. Drugs are bad, dont do drugs... And everything was going fine. However, due to the amount of smokers, I smelt disgusting when I came home. It was straight in the shower for me, washed my hair quickly and then off the bed, to wake up 5 hours later for an 8 hour day of rehearsals. Im actually quite surprised that I have the brain capacity to write this at the moment.
'Prince Charming' update: Nothing to tell. He still isnt talking to me, and I dont really want to make an effort if it isnt going to be met halfway. Although, the 'nobles' of my performance asked me if I wanted to go and party in the city tonight with them. I was really tempted to say yes, but it would have been waaay too hard, plus I most likely would have died due to my lack of sleep. I had no nice clothes, and I live too far away to come home. Ahh well, I will just have to wait until the afterparty! Secretly im hoping that 'Prince Charming' and I are going to get horribly drunk and end up having hot sex all night, but thats just between you and me. Haha! I cant believe I just wrote that.

Time Warp

Well I was walking down the street
Just a having a think,
When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.

So, I have been quite busy the past few days. Nothing very exciting, but busy nevertheless. Ive had rehearsals and study and classes and all the jazz, all in preparation for the next month! Gah! in less than 2 weeks I have my major audition for a performing arts uni, which just so happens to be on the same day as my birthday...fate maybe? I hope.

Also, due to the unfortunate demise of my trusty Nokia, I am now in possession of the new iPhone! Hoorah! Happy fun times! I was very excited :). So I have been setting that up for the past fews days, getting used to it and all that. I decided to download two gay 'friend finder' apps. Grindr and Manhunt. Well...My innocence just flew out the window! I downloaded Grindr because I wanted to find guys in the area like me, which I have, and manhunt because my friends use it as a social media. There are some really nice people who arent out for sex, sex, sex...but then there are the guys who just seem to like sending you pictures of their dicks. Look, I understand that these apps are used for no strings attached hookups, and I thought I woudl get a few questions askign to meetup, but not dick pics straight up!

I guess that the past few days have been good, because I have been able to progress past the bad part of my crush. I saw him again today, and I stil lhave massive feelings for him, but not soo bad. Which is good. That means that I am slowly becoming uninterested. So really, happy fun time all round! Woo! Almost time to party, party, party!!!!

 



The Movie in My Mind

He'll keep us safe all day,
So no one comes at night
To blow the dream away.
Dream
The dream I have to find
The movie in my mind...

Im home alone today, and I have no idea what to do! I couldnt be bothered studying, im all up to date with my performance material, and I have nothing planned at all for the day. All my friends are either in exams or studying for them, and im just left sitting here alone. Maybe I should have a movie day?

Its just that I think if I do sit here and watch movies all day I will end up in one of my depressed states, because no one loves me! Oh I know, im being completely ridiculous, but I have just been in this really weird mood lately where my lack of romance is effecting me. Maybe it is just my crush, I dont know. Its all stupid! Gah!

Is it weird that I just want to be standing at the bow of a ship, arms outstretched with him passionately kissing me over my shoulder? Or rolling around in the sand with the tide flowing in and out asking him to proclaim that hes a bird. Come on, youve all wanted to reenact a movie scene with your lover at least once in your life. I guess the hardest part for me is just finding the lover. I think I just need to forget about 'Prince Charming'. I just need to realise that it is never going to happen, and never will. Its just a stupid crush, and I need to forget about it. Focus on something else. But i guess the hardest part is that I have to see him every weekend until after the performance.

The crush was stupid, it shouldnt have even happened. I mean for one, he lives on the other side of sydney as I do, so its not like we have easy access. Then there is the fact that I have never really talked to him. Its not just a physical attraction though, because I have seen him be really nice to everyone, and he is playing Prince Charming, so surely some of that character would be evident in him...

I do this all the time, as im sure alot of people do. Always go for what is out of your range. I guess whatever doesnt kill you only makes you stronger.

El Tango de Roxanne

Why does my heart cry?
Feelings I can't fight,
You're free to leave me, but just don't deceive me,
And please believe me when I say I love you.

I woke up this morning in a happy but lovesick mood. It usually happens with me. I get a massive crush, and then I start dreaming about us having relationships, and then I wake up, and find out that it wasnt real.

Last nights dream was soo nice though, and it felt soo real! I think my main problem is that I compare myself to others too much. So since I dont have a solo in the performance, I feel as if I am not as good as everyone else, which may be true, but then again my voice may not have suited any of the songs. This is what is causing my shyness. Therefore, all I need to do is walk in and not care about how I look or act. Just go in, re introduce myself, and just be accessible. Ive been closing myself off, so I just need to open up!

Its all a tango! The passion of life, mixed in with heart ache and what not. Haha, I even changed my room around today, hoping that I wouldnt dream about him like that again. I mean it certainly wasnt a bad dream, it wasnt even sexual in any manner what so ever. It was just nice, it was as if we were together and happy.

I shall just have to see if my plan works out. Fingers crossed!