Astonishing

Now nothing feels the way it was before
And I don't know how to proceed.
I only know I'm meant for something more
I've got to know if I can be
Astonishing

Well, after my particularly heavy post below, I thought I would have a little pick me up post. A short happy, and somewhat light hearted post! The key to happiness is smiling :)

So even though I am sitting here alone, rain pouring down outside, and I may have just gone through a spontaneous sad moment. I now am moving on. Closing the gates  in my mind, and thinking happy!

This song is stunning, it is kind of an anthem for me. Something that inspires me to keep fighting for what I want. All my obstacles have just made me stronger! So hopefully the future will just be a happy fun time, considering all that ive faced while ive been young.

I really feel like partying, but I have my HUGELY HUGE exam in two days, so I need to have a clear mind. Wow, ive really felt like partying for a while now, so unlike me. I guess I just always want what I cant have.



Whispering

Listening
To the souls in the fool's night,
Fumbling mutely with their rude hands
And there's heartache without end.

Ive never talked about this before, and I really didnt ever imagine myself talking about it. It's something ive almost forgotten about, yet I never truely will forget. Ive tried to lock it away in my mind, but I guess I really just need to get it out. Maybe im being overly dramatic, I don't know?

When I was thirteen, mum and I lived in this really cool gated off estate, beautiful area, right on the harbour. We had access to gyms, cafes, tennis courts, and pools, all for use by estate residents. It was amazing. It was here that something, quite bad happened to me, and by someone I would never have expected. Mum decided to have a party one Friday night, so she invited a few close friends around. One of her friends bought their son, who was about 16, so that I wouldnt be bored in my room all night, although I kind of think the night would have gone better if I had have been alone. This boy, we will call him James, was from a very prestigious school in Sydney, it was a boarding school, all boys, and was incredibly expensive, very much into its football. He was always really nice to me, and I didnt see a problem with him coming over, I mean I was only 13, I hadnt even really even thought of the idea of myself being gay yet.

We went down to the pool for a swim, the sun was going down, so there were no people. It was really good for a little while, we were having races, 'bombing' competitions, the usual. Until we got into the spa. It was really weird, as if he had a complete change of heart. I remember him talking about things that I really didnt think were very appropriate for me at such a young age.

He then grabbed my hand and put it on his crotch. Initially I thought it was a joke, haha funny, but then I realised he wasnt joking. I quickly withdrew my hand and started to get out of the spa, the key to get out of the pool area was over by the towels, so I made my way over there, but he grabbed my arm and said something like 'Do you really think you can outrun me?' I was a little surprised by what he said, and as I reached for my towel, I accidently pushed his towel onto the ground. He suddenly got very mad. He dragged me over to the shallow pool, and said that I shouldnt have done that. I knew something bad was about to happen, so I tried a few times to get away, but he was always near the key, so I could never get out. Eventually he caught up with me again.

He grabbed my head, and held me under the water, everytime he let me come up to breathe he put my face right on his crotch. I remember he had this look on his face, it was a mixture of anger and happiness and cruelty. It was about the 5th time he pulled me up that I saw him slowly begin to undo his boardshorts. I was pleading for him to let me go. I certainly had no power over him, he was a HUGE 16 year old, and I was just this wimpy little 13. Just as he undid his pants, another person came into the pool area. My saviour, hidden by the guise of a lap swimmer. James quickly let me go, and I ran home. He was close behind, I mean he had to go come back to my house. I remember I had to spend the next 4 hours in the same room as someone who just tried to sexually abuse me.

Ive never told that story, and I dont really know what it means for me to be telling it now. Am I blaming that for making me introverted? Am I blaming it for making me what I am? I guess I am.

I know that my experience is definetly quite small compared to what others have suffered, but I cant imagine what would have happened if the lap swimmer hadnt have interrupted. Everyone just needs to be so aware of the dangers of sexual abuse, it is soo emotionally shattering. I remember that for years I blamed myself for what happened. I thankfully never saw James again. And I guess that by keeping it secret, it kind of means he won, he beat me, he litarally pushed me down and didnt let me get back up.Its a horrible feeling, and I think that even just by me expressing my little experience, I hope that people can understand that it happens. It happens to people who you would never expect it to happen to. It is something that can destroy a person. Thankfully, I guess, I got off lightly, I was able to lock it away.

Maybe that is the reason I am so self conscious, and so shy. Maybe that is the reason I just want to be held, and loved. Maybe I just need to stop blaming myself...



Don't Rain On My Parade

Get ready for me, love,
'cause I'm a comer,
I simply gotta march,
My heart's a drummer.
Nobody, no, nobody
Is gonna rain on my parade!

Today is a me day. One of those, 'No one can stop my dreams from coming true!' days. What do you call those sort of days?...Self enlightenment days? Mental health days? All of the above days?

I just needed a little pick me up, less of the, staring out longingly over the ocean sort of thing, and more of the, just jump in and swim! Sometimes I need to do that to myself, I let my melodramatic side take over and I start living my life as if I was in movie (everyone does it...), so I just needed to re ground myself, tell myself that I need to work hard to be successful, because we all know that the performing arts industry has like a 5% success rate. So that means, head down and push through the pain!

One of my very favourite shows of all time is Glee. Yes...I love it, it is my life, but I have reason to love it, because that is what I aspire to do. I aspire to be the male version of Lea Michele....someday I will meet her, and someday we will become best friends and share every Saturday having a glamorous lunch and then going to see shows on Broadway in our private box seats....sigh....everyone has to have dreams. Until that happens, I have to keep going, not getting lost in my delusions, and keep going!

It happens too often that I break into song midway through a conversation, go floating down a hallway with the music playing in my mind, taking those purposeful/dancer like steps to the beat of a song. Although I can blame a little of that on my school, it used to happen all the time, Performing Arts High Schools are like musicals themselves. I just hope that someday, I will be able to do that as a job. Run onto the stage with all the passion and emotions I feel, and entertain!

Quick side note, Glee always seems to get the most good looking people. Just look at them! Imagine them all in a room together, I dont know how they dont cook themselves!

Under the Sea

Up on the shore they work all day
Out in the sun they slave away
While we devotin', full time to floatin'
Under the sea!

Today I took a little break and went down to the beach for a while. Its always so calming, walking along the sand, the water rolling in and out around your feet.

I went and bought the Sunday paper and had a little sit in the sun. The usual stuff in the paper; government not doing its job, television channels having major shake ups. I always turn to the back first, have a little look at the 'A List Parties', and see what shows are on the stage at the moment. Its funny, I always seem to wish I had been at the parties, chatting to the celebrities, dancing with the stars (hehe). Everything just seems so glamorous at them.

When I finished the paper, I went for another little walk, up and down the beach again, and then I intended to walk around the point to the next beach along, however the tide was a tad further in than I anticipated, so I had to backtrack a little. Its funny watching all the people at the beach on weekends. Our local beach is well known for being a tourist destination, so lots of people come to it from all around, in the holidays it is practically impossible to get a spot, so us locals savour the quiet time during the working weeks. As this weekend was so spectacular, weather wise, it was very busy. I thought I would take a more scenic route home after my failed 'point walk'.

I took a path that went up the cliff, and had a little sit on the top. It was really nice. Watching the clear water below, and the surfers attempt to dodge the unknowing civilians. As much as I say that living in this little seaside village is the bane of my existence...it realy isnt. It is quite beautiful, scenery and people, a nice array of surfer boys. I love water as well, so maybe the beach is good for me. Maybe tomorrow I can spend a bit more time down at the beach, take some of my notes and have a little sunbake (safely, you know, slip, slop, slap, and all that). Maybe my Prince Charming will turn out to be a surfer? I highly doubt it, but you never know.



An Explanation...

I just thought I would let you know what the format of my posts have been, and the reason for the Blog name.
The whole idea of this Blog is that it is a place where I can express myself. Usually this only happens onstage for me, so thats where I got the idea of calling it Gay Teen!: The Musical. It is literally a musical of my life. It contains all the melodrama and plot that any normal musical would ask for, the sad part is that this is my actual life. Each posts name is a song, and the post usually starts with lyrics from that song. The songs usually have something to do with the content of the post.
Its funny, because I have always wanted there to be a soundtrack to life, and I guess what im doing is creating that. When I look back, I can remember that on that day, that song was running through my head. Most of the songs so far have been from some of my favourite musicals, and there is plenty more to come. I just thought I would let everyone know, becasue some of the post titles are quite random, but that is because its the name of the song.

When You Wish Upon a Star

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you

Its really quite pathetic. I have just spent most of the morning crying over old Disney clips. I made the mistake of looking up 'Best moments of Disney' on YouTube before I went to work this morning. The music, the magic, everything! Beautiful! Gah, what it is to be a child!

Just those little moments, when bambi stumbles out of the cave looking for his mother, when Pocahontas runs after the ship taking John Smith back to England, when Ariel reaches out of her grotto for the 'World Above'. Walt Disney was just a complete genious.

I also went looking for a particular series of Disney photography I have seen recently, quite a good way to procrastinate a little bit. I was so happy when I found it! The Annie Leibovitz Dream Portraits. Not only are they Disney, but they are famous people in the performing arts industry, AND they are by Annie Leibovitz, one of the greatest photographers of all time! These images are completely and utterly beautiful.

Its quite amazing how sounds can ignite your memory. Just the songs playing in the Disney clips reminded me so much of Disneyland. Not the whole park, just one room (well hall). This hall was huge, and it was tucked away behind a shop, and down a little corrador. As soon as you entered it, your ears were filled with the soundtracks of Disney movies, and all over the dome shaped room were projections of different moments in the movies. It went chronologically through all of them. It was stunning. Truely magical.



Annie Leibovitz

Another Day

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past.

And so...I continue to live my life day by day...with the usual occurings going on. Just came home from dance, was fairly uneventful due to my fractured foot. Yes! It turns out my foot was fractured, but its alright! The doctor said that it will be healed for my performance and auditions. Was quite a close call though, gah! Im home alone once more, I might as well live alone, because mother dearest is off abroad so often.

I really feel like travelling. I have this weird urge. I havent been anywhere since Christmas, which is quite unusual. Although, next time I go overseas, I feel like I want to go with friends. Not anywhere like Bali, somewhere further, and more exciting. Initially I was thinking of going back to San Francisco and then going over to New York as well, but there is no point in doing that until im 21, so I was thinking of somewhere like Paris, or England. Alot of my family is in England, so it would make accomodation quite easy, but I guess I kinda want to get away from family. One of my Sydney friends suggested Paris. I havent been, so I would really love to go eventually, so I guess it would be fun to go with them. I can just imagine it now, a little Parisian apartment with a small balcony overlooking a cobbled lane and courtyard. Would be fun! Maybe I could find myself a Romeo?

Travelling is in my blood I guess. Most of my family was in the industry. Either flying or sailing. Both my parents are flight attendants, and my uncle and aunty(dads side) were too. My mums dad was an aeronautical engineer back in the day, and a radio engineer for the navy before that, and my dads dad was a Pilot! Its quite weird really. Having all these contacts has helped me fill a few passport pages as well. Ive been all around the world, minus a few paces here and there, funnily enough, most of them being European countries, which is where my extended family are. I will get back in the air or on the water again soon, im sure, its just this annoying exam period that is ruining everything!

I cant realy think about the splendour of the future yet, not with all the stuff going on at the present. Oh well, things will cool down soon.