Beyond My Wildest Dreams

Look at it all, look how it gleams!
Lovely beyond my wildest dreams...
Look- it's him!
So handsome and refined and slim
Sweet, sincere
Magnificent from head to toe.

I am finding it physically impossible to wipe the smile from my face. Yesterday, I embarked upon my first official trip, as a Uni student to my chosen institution. Gah! It was perfect! Everything just went so well! All those little stresses; being late, getting lost, never happened.

Now, this week is what's known as O-Week. It is basically an orientation week that is filled with all the things that Uni is known for, mainly alcohol. Yesterday was a special day for first years. We were split into small groups with people who are doing similar subjects to us, and then led by a mentor, who was an older student doing similar classes. Our little group of six was made of Music students. All of them really lovely, and from all over the place as well. We then joined with another group, who was oddly the other end of the subject spectrum, they were Government kids. Nonetheless, they were equally as nice, and led by the epitomy of university male perfection. Most of the day was spent fawning over him, along with the rest of the group haha, which consisted of another gay guy, and the rest girls.

Smile is still firmly in place. I guess what was so nice about yesterday was that we met people, new people, people who we will recognise on campus. Thus the lonely kids like me who dont know anyone dont feel so excluded. I will go back up tomorrow I think, and watch some of the festivities on campus. They have stalls and shows, lots of activities going on. Our mentors also said that we will all try and have group gatherings throughout the week and semester. Exciting!

I forgot to tell you about our mentor! She was sooo so sooooooo lovely. A Jazz singer. Very sweet and caring. Its funny because the mentors were saying that they were also nervous, because they didnt want a weird group filled with awkward people. I guess they got the weird part, but good weird! Our groups were just a mash of so many different things, that just worked together perfectly. I love when that happens. When something surprises you. When something turns out to be precisely beyond your wildest dreams.

 



Nowadays

And that's
Good, isn't it?
Grand, isn't it?
Great, isn't it?
Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't it?
But nothing stays

In fifty years or so
It's gonna change, you know
But, oh, it's heaven
Nowadays!

Ive realised this week that thinking ahead is somewhat overrated. Sure, it helps you prepare and all that and I guess it is quite good in some regards, but really, what about the moment. The moment that your living in. I came to this sudden realisation today, when I was sitting in a state of contrast. I was stressing over the fact that I am starting Uni in 2 weeks (and its scariness), but I was also wishing that it would hurry up because I have been doing nothing! ...that's where it struck me. Im doing nothing. I have the next two weeks to relax before 3 of the most intense years of my life, (or so everybody says) why am I stressing and wishing that it would be over quicker!? Gah! Im weird. So, its time for me to forget about the immediate future. Relish in the beach and the friends that I have time to see. Excitedly, im going to an information night this evening for a musical called 'Company'.

Now I have never seen this musical, ive heard about it, and only a few songs from it, but I need to get my performance portfolio flowing. So I will take a little stroll down to the local theatre with one of my friends (well actually shes driving us, its about 20 mins down the road haha) and have a look at this here production. Ive done a bit of research on the show, and, to be frank, I only needed to learn that it was written by Stephen Sondheim to be interested (one of my very favourites). So, hopefully everything works out and I can do that! Im looking forward to performing this year. The same company is doing 'The Sound of Music' and 'Into the Woods'(which I mentioned in my last post), and ive seen them do some amazing shows in the past year. One of the best productions ive seen of 'A Chorus Line'. Its time to get my act together.

Im actually feeling really good! I have swam everyday, so my fitness goal for the year is on its way. I am attempting to do shows, so that will help my 'dancerfiedness'(I am copyrighting that word hahah), AND im talking to lots of people, so attempts at finding a boy for myself are occurring. Haven't found anyone quite right yet, but im trying. :) Sadly, I cant go to the blessed Mardi Gras this year. My finances just aren't in the right place. I have more important things to focus on anyway, like getting sorted for Uni and paying those fees, and purchasing those textbooks. I had such a good time last year, its a bit disappointing, but alls good! Positive attitude. Actually, I think im a bit of a hotel bargain hunter, mainly because before I decided not to go(this morning), I found the best deal in the city! At the Marriott Hotel Hyde Park, so literally right on Oxford Street. For me and 3 friends, it was $480, so $120 each. Such a good location and cost! But never mind! Maybe I have just helped someone else get some good accommodation. :)

So for the meantime, its time for me to just chill. Wow, 'chill'. Cant believe I just said that. Haha.



Prologue: Into the Woods

Once upon a time,

I wish...

I have heard of the most exciting news. One of my very favourite musicals, 'Into the Woods', is going to be made into a movie by Disney! Not an animation, thats what I first thought haha, but somthing similar to 'Sweeney Todd' or 'Chicago'. Excitingly, its being directed by the guy who did 'Chicago'. Therefore, I have decided it WILL be a hit. How could it possibly go wrong? Fairy Tales. Subversion. Singing. Beautiful music. Humour. A welcome mix!Funnily, this musical is also being done at my local Performing Arts Center. I certainly will be auditioning. It is truly magical. I know somewhere there is a dvd of the proffessional stage production, if you dont know the show, find it, watch it, embrace it, love it.

On a completely different note im really happy with my fitness progress. I am actually sticking with it. Haha. I decided that the routine I had previously made just wasnt working, I couldnt find the motivation to do that. So now I go down to the beach and swim laps in the ocean pool. I guess what makes me stick with this one isnt just the 'getting buff' effects, but also the waters effect on skin. Seawater is very good for clearing skin, and also quite good for hair. So now im helping my Vain side on numerous fronts! Its really weird because in the past few months I have had this sudden outburst of pimples, ewww I know, so I am trying everything  I can to get rid of them, because they are affecting two things. The first being my confidence, and second being my model ability. Now the last one may be a bit of a shock to you all, because I havent really indulged you with a picture of myself, or any descriptive words, because I want to keep anonymous. However, (Im trying to be really non up myself here, so bear with me) I have been told that I posses the perfect height (6'6") and face structure to have a successful career as a model. So for me to do that, I need to send away a few quick profile snaps to agencies, and then see where I go. The only problem is that I have been constantly overwhelmed with pimples. However, they are indeed getting better, so soon I will be able to apply.

If this works out, I will be happy on numerous fronts. It means that I am making some money, and leaving time to study and perform. That 'audition' period is still horribly scary. Sending away a photo of yourself to be judged by someone to say if your hot enough. Not looking forward to being knocked back, but I guess it will just be another learning curve. Lets me know that I definitely cant make it in the modelling career, and therefore can focus on Musical Theatre. I guess its just good to try new things.

Im still dreaming, wishing, trying, and doing; hopefully something exciting will happen soon!



First Midnight

The difference between a cow and a bean
Is a bean can begin an adventure...

 
Times in my household this week have become, quite suddenly, hard. With the current economic times; prices of food, petrol, etc; my lack of job; and continual abandonment of a father, it appears that sacrifices have to be made. I feel as if I am Jack, from Jack and the Beanstalk.
At this present stage it seems that I may have to give up singing lessons for a term, or more, depending on how long it takes to get a job (which, in itself is a battle). It seems that everywhere I apply just doesn’t want me. I’ve been trawling through ‘Seek’ daily, hourly sometimes; however nothing has come out of it. Furthermore, I have been nominated for a Canberra Amateur Theatre Award for my last role in a musical. I may not be able to go to the ceremony because travel and accommodation costs will most likely be too high. I also need textbooks and ideally a new laptop for University (my current one has a tendency to not turn on).
I do indeed receive Youth Allowance, but that all goes to mum, frankly because she needs it. So, to try and fix the immediate problems, particularly those of textbooks and singing lessons, I am selling away pieces of my childhood. I guess it’s alright, I mean most of the stuff I haven’t even looked at in the past year, but it’s still hard to see your possessions go. To see them be bought for a tenth of what you payed, and then taken into a possibly abusive home. For my entire life I have treated all my belongings with the uttermost care. I used to keep all the original boxes and I would never, EVER, break anything. Then again, they may be taken into a loving home, but in my current emotional state, that is the least likely.
I have also decided to add a ‘Donate’ button to my blog. Please, by no means feel pressured by its presence. I just thought that there may be some kind souls out there who would help keep my dreams afloat. I didn’t want to have my blog filled with meaningless Advertisements, so I thought this was a better alternative.
Im sure life will figure some way out of this. Im sure a job will finally accept me soon enough. Ideally millions of dollars could be won in the Lottery, but for now, these are just the little things that I have to do. Thankfully, I know not to accept any 'magical beans'.

The Only Exception

I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance,
and up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness,
because none of it was ever worth the risk.

...but it is...It is worth the risk, its just that I never take it. Whenever I get close to someone, whenever I take that leap, a little voice always appears. Not a nice voice, infact an utterly horrible one. The type that makes you step back, to discontinue your pursuits, to make you feel small, and insignificant. I think this is what has ruled my life for too long, the little voice has led me in all the wrong directions. Always telling me that im not good enough, always pushing me back.

Im not content with loneliness, infact, I hate it! Yes, as you may have realised, this is going to be an 'oh the loneliness of my relationship barren life!' post, but it is just how im feeling at the moment. The weather recently has been crazy, funnily, its kinda been my favourite type of weather haha. Sunny one minute, raining the next. The other day I was caught out in the rain, but rather unusually, I didnt run to get undercover. Ive always been a bit of a hater of rain on clothing, its this weird OCD thing I used to have. However, this time, I stayed outside. Infact, I danced in the rain. Haha. Ive always thought that people were crazy when they said dancing in the rain was amazing, but truly, it was! I actually think that a perfect date for me would be to be stuck outside in the rain. To run madly in it, to dance, and to lie.

What is life trying to tell you when you start having these sudden changes in your self. Is it actually time that I block the voice? Well actually, it is certainly the time I block the voice. But is it time that I try harder? Ive always believed that things happen in mysterious ways, that if you are meant to be with someone, they will be placed with you, but maybe this is wrong. Maybe I should stop relying on fate, and just take the extra step. I think I need to, infact, I think I need to stop being so horribly depressing! Stop talking about things, and just do them! haha.

The World Has Gone Insane

The world has lost its head!
And every evil hour is filled with dread!
I'm floating on a lake - But upside down!
And when I try to breathe, I start to drown!

Firstly I am going to apologize for my lack of posting, unfortunately the hideous beast that is Optus has reared its horribly disgusting head, resulting in the household being without internet for the past few days. The worst part is that it wasnt our fault! We havent gone over our limit, they just decided to cut us off! Ahh well, after hours upon hours on the phone, hopefully, it has all been sorted out. Gah! If not, mother dearest has threatened going to a different provider haha.

This leads to my secondary discussion. The weight the Internet has on younger generations, and the incredible repercussions that occur from taking it away. I never thought of myself as being addicted to Internet, sure, I use it alot, but I always thought I could stop at any time. Well, the past few days have certainly taught me that I cannot. Luckily, I did have my iPhone, so I had some access, but the similarities that having no Internet, and say, giving up smoking, or getting off drugs was uncanny. I cant say that I know how either of these feel first hand, but through secondary viewing, I can certainly say that they are very similar. When something that you use, no, depend upon, suddenly vanishes, its as if you have unfinished business. Its as if you need it right at that moment that it stopped. You then gradually fall into this odd pit of mixed emotions, suddenly hanging from the happiest person in the world and then falling into the depths of the beast, you erupt into a horrid angry creature. This cycles a few times, occasionally with a little sadness mixed in. As time goes on, you get a grip on your emotions, putting yourself in an odd neutral state, and it is at this time that you forget that you can no longer use the gift of life, Internet. You see something on tv and wander over to the computer to do a little more research on Wikipedia, Oh!....Oh dear.....Thats right......ummm......sorry....Uh, yeah.....No Internet....Repeat emotional cycles.

It astounds me that this happens. That people can be so dependant on a technology, that they feel they need it! I think its the immediateness of its information, you want to know something, you look it up on the spot, you send an email, its there in a matter of seconds. Where you used to wait, go to the library, look it up in books; send a letter, wait a few days. This is actually a conversation a friend and I were having a few weeks ago, how because letters are such an anomaly these days, when you actually get one, it is sooo cool! It means that someone has spent the time writing to you, not using a word document, and wanting the letter to be something special to you. I find that letters are certainly a dying trend, and that is incredibly sad, because they usually are soo special. I still have a book full of letters I received when I was little from my Grandparents and friends. I remember the excitement of running to the letter box and realising there was something for you! People dont keep emails, and even if they do, it certainly isnt as special as holding it in the flesh.

In some cases, well most really, technology is a good thing, but it is the little things that I find it is abolishing. I think we need to remember them, even if it means sending a letter once a month, we cant let these past traditions fade. We cant let modern technology rule entirely.



For Good

I've heard it said,
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn,
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow.

It is such an amazing feeling when someone who was soo pivotal to your growing up comes back into your life. Its as if a piece of you that had been left behind has finally decided to catch up. As if your past, the good parts, is merging itself with the present. I went to bed smiling last night because of what happened, something that I havent done in months.

I will call her my sister, because, thats what she basically was. Our families were basically merged together, linked in numerous ways, so we grew up together. She is about five years my senior, and always used to look after me and take me on adventures. She is beautiful, tall, with exotic features of unkown origins. I knew when we were younger that she did a bit of modelling, but I found out last night that she does ALOT now haha. She taught me to believe, to allow my imagination to flow. I remember when I was young, she would take me to a park down the road and show me the fairies. On special occassions there would even be a letter from the fairies, filled appropriately with a little note and glitter. I actually still have these, sitting on my bookshelf, just shows that they did mean alot.

When we finally grew up, I moved away and she went to work. We just gradually, lost contact, fell out of each others lives. Unfortunately it happens to relationships, but the most exciting thing is when you do reconnect, its as if you saw them yesterday. You babble on and on about random subjects, filling in the blanks here and there. Basicaly fillin gin the years that you havent seen each other. Im excited. Im still smiling haha.

I guess life has a way of working. If I had have been accepted into the Performing Arts Uni I wouldnt have re connected with her, I would have been over there now. As well as missing out on reconnecting, I would have also had to face my health scare alone. So lets hope that my life plans this year allow me to become a students of the performing arts. No. Not hope. Hope isnt enough. I know that I will become a student of the performign arts. It is going to happen, because im goign to make it happen! haha.

Attention all. Slump has passed. The shadow faded. Life is bright and clear as of now!