Ice Dance

The dawn of 2012 is almost upon us. The end of what has been a massive year is here. I think this year has been about learning. Learning about all the difficult things in life. So some may see it as a horrible year, but others may see it as a year of enlightenment, a year of wonder. I think, on New Years Eve it is most important not to remember the bad in the year that was, but the good. All those little (or big) things that happened that made it special. Special in a way that only you may know, but also special in a way that everyone around you should know.
2012 for me will be about doing. Im sick of learning about the good and bad in life, so I am just going to do! Sure, I am starting Uni, but I guess, Uni for me is just something to fill in the time. I know what I want to do, and I now have the drive to achieve it! I have been pushed down too much this year. So, 2012 is going to be my year of 'fighting back'. Im not going to stay down anymore, Im going to get up, no, Im going to jump up! Im actually a little excited. I don't really know what to expect. No more school 5 days a week. Maybe a job? Maybe my own source of income? Living back in the city! Gah! It is going to be a good year!
Now, I just need to figure out how to celebrate it haha. My friends plans have failed so far. Well, not failed, just haven't been organised enough. We will most likely end up just sitting at someones house haha, but i like to think that something exciting might happen. Excitement! Another thing that 2012 should be full of! Haha.
Well, Happy New Years everybody! May the new year be filled with wonder, excitement, and doing!

A Thousand Years

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises,
How to be brave,
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.

So, my Sydney expedition continues! Yesterday seems like it didn't exist haha, mainly for the reason that I was incredibly hungover. As in the most I have ever been. It was actually really funny, because my two friends and I went out to the city for dinner, and a somewhat subdued night, only to return home and party the night away.

Upon deciding that the city was dead (I mean I don't blame it, it was a Tuesday night), we went to a bottleshop to buy some beverages and go home. Well, my friend decided that it was a good idea to buy a $125 bottle of vodka. Im pretty sure that we only needed 1 shot of that stuff to have a good night, however, we all had about 4 haha. Lets just say, I was VERY happy that night. I can remember doing such things as; bouncing around the house on a yoga ball, interpretive dancing on the floor, performing 'Gimme Gimme', yelling 'we need to get off the boat!' repetitively and then making sure that all the women and children were off first, wanting to message 'Prince Charming' and confess my undying love for him (there is further story to this, I will come back to it), and playing Adele on the piano whilst crying with my friends over my being alone and unloved. Haha, so in other words, i have renamed it 'The Incredibly Emotive and Disasterous Night of the Titanic: a Musical Spectacular!'.

The friend whose house I am staying at has gone on a little date this morning, so I am justing having a little down time. This friend, however, also thought it would be a good idea to hijack my phone during 'The Incredibly Emotive and Disasterous Night of the Titanic: a Musical Spectacular!' and message 'Prince Charming'. I will show you a copy of the message. Look, it isn't too bad, but it still shouldn't have happened. 'Hellooooo Prince Charming! Dalton and I have been talking over vodka and he very much decided that you are very very good looking. Just know that Dalton likes you... Thanks.' Gah! I sent a sorry message the next morning, but I am still sooo embarrassed. 'Prince Charming' did send a message back saying not to worry about it, and its happened to him, but I still feel horrible. I guess he now knows my feelings haha. 

My friends and I have also decided that it is time I should do the deed. They agree and disagree with me on this however. They say that having just a random hookup is completely fine for your first time, but also agree with my perception that I want it to be special, with someone who is special to me. So again, I will continue my search for a new 'Prince Charming', considering that my original now thinks I am a complete douche. 

Well, I guess I should go and get into the day haha. Rather than just sitting here listening to Adele and feeling sorry for myself. Oh! Just quickly, looks like I will definitely be moving back to Sydney next year! Hoorah!!! Oh the joy of civilisation. 

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

No more memories

No more silent tears

No more gazing across the wasted years.

So the festivities of Christmas are behind us, and now we are propelled towards the new year. At the moment im staying at a friends in Sydney, so I will try and keep posting, but using my phone feels a little weird haha.
Christmas day for me was quite low key, certainly nothing like the old days. A nice Christmas lunch with my mum and friends. Of course I had to send my dad a message before he wished me merry Christmas, infact, I don't even get a message from my grandparents! Guess I am definitely unloved by that side of the family. Oh well, who needs them!
So my little holiday in Sydney is hopefully going to be really fun. I'm saying with a friend from my old school, we basically grew up together, and came out together early this year haha. I'd just like a nice relax during the day, and party at night. We have no idea what to do on new years. We don't know of we should brave the city? All those crazy people hah. But for now, I will just lie down and rest my emotional and physical self :)
Merry belated Christmas everyone! And Happy New Year!

I'm Not Afraid of Anything

Listen to the calling of excitement
Can you feel the pounding of my heart
The lights are ready
Pulse is steady
I can start...

What is it? That yearning for the stage? That call for the theatre? Love? Want? Need? Hope? Passion?...Passion...

My one true love in life is the stage. And I do say stage, not just theatre, because it isnt just singing and acting that im talking about. Its dancing, orchestral pieces, ballet, opera, cabaret, stand up, its everything. Costumes, lights, sounds, set... the whole thing. The most recent show I went to see was in a huge, old, beautiful theatre, and I found myself tearing up at the entry. The air of excitement that everyone has, the slightly dimmed lights, the spectacular chandelier. It is all a passion for me, and it effects me entirely; it makes me cry, it gives me goosebumps, it is almost indescribable.

Its funny, because I remember when I was very young, I used to want to perform. I sought for the soft warmth and glow that stagelights gave, the exhilaration that an applause created, and friendship that casts emit. I used to go and lock myself in my room, turn my cd player right up and blast out 'The Little Mermaid'! Haha, I never listened to Justin Timberlake or Kylie Minogue, it was always stage and film soundtracks; and usually Disney. I would listen to the whole cd as well, even the instrumental pieces, usually casting myself as every character, flouncing around, making a wall of my room the audience, and performing my little heart out to it. Hoping someday that I could do that, that I could be a Disney character, or a person on the 'big stage', and I guess the most fulfilling part is that I have done those things. I have made my younger wishes come true. Ive been a Disney character (one of my old favourites as well), and ive performed on some of the biggest stages in Australia.

Now im at the crossroads of my early life. Do I choose to follow my dream? To continue my passion? Or do I do the safer thing? Follow a secondary want, something that I wouldnt call a dream, something that would leave me financially secure, and quite happy, but not with the tingling feeling that my passion gives me. As bad as it is, in the times we live in, maybe financial security is better than love. Maybe being able to pay the bills is better than doing what your heart wants. I guess, at the moment, it just feels like I am at the bottom of a mountain, and I can choose to either walk up, or fly up. Sure, flying will give me that initial excitement, but once I get there, then what? Where walking will be tough, but I will experience soo much more.

Gah! Why cant life be easy! Why cant we all just be rich and able to do whatever we want? Why cant we all just be born on the peak of the mountain!? I guess its because a person is what they have earnt, not what they have been given.

Firework

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine!

Yesterday I went and saw 'New Years Eve' with a friend. With all the reviews and hype of the film, I wasnt expecting much. Hoping that it was something like Love Actually, and praying it was nothing like Valentine's Day, I plunged head first into the cinema. I was actually pleasantly surprised. It was no Love Actually, but it was still quite good. Although, I cant figure out if I really liked the film, or just the fact that Lea Michele was in it. haha. It also got me in the spirit of the New Year, made me a little excited for the celebrations that are to come! Is it sad that im looking more forward to New Years Eve, than to Christmas? I guess with Christmas you have to worry about family and friends, presents, food, etc, but with New Years, all you have to worry about is getting a kiss at midnight. A special kiss. Beneath the fireworks, surrounded by cheering people! Ahh, image the amazement.  :)



Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo

Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
Put 'em together and what have you got
bibbidi-bobbidi-boo.

I am an avid lover of costumes. Which, I guess, is a good thing considering the field I want to enter into. However, its not just the wearing of costumes, its also the design of them that excites me. Funnily enough, originally, my dream was not to be performing on stage, but to be dressing it!

Before I started singing, I always wanted to be a costume designer. I used to go into my room and spend countless hours drawing and painting costumes. I would set myself a movie or story, and go from there. Drawing numerous costumes for each character, and then weilding my paintbrush in such a way to create either the flow of satin, warmth of fur, sharpness of metal, etc. It was a hobby, I even had a trusty shoebox full of buttons and ribbons, and various types and colours of fabrics. I remember going to the movies, and judging the film on its costumes rather than storyline haha. I guess the passion for costumes has never left me. I mean, I no longer draw them, but I still love viewing and wearing them. its always the best feeling to be dressed in an amazing costume. For a production I did a few years ago, I was a Prince, and the company had bought some costumes from the Sydney Opera Company. Lets just say that, I was excited. I was adorned in a stunningly intricate jacket, covered in beading and lacework. It was amazing, and very heavy haha.
So I thought I would post a few of my favourite costumes. Believe me, it was very hard to choose only a few of my favourites, but here they are. These are from Titanic, Atonement, Moulin Rouge!, Ever After, Chicago, and King Kong. Again, only a few, and very modern movies as well, rather than some of the classics. Some of the images arent that great, but you get the idea :)

Doing the Latest Rag!

Everyone is bursting with emotion,
Dancing as we cross the mighty ocean,
Moving to the rhythm of
The latest rag!

It was always a dream that two of my friends and I had. A dream to own a HUGE boat! Something that we shared, and sailed around in in luxury. We always loved Sunseekers, and I remember when we went to the Sydney International Boat Show one year, and we were able to go onboard a few and look around, and then the pure ecstasy of getting a Sunseeker showbag at the end which had all the beautiful boats in a hardcover book. Something that I still have to this day.

Haha, I remember we used to spend countless lunchtimes in the library, on the computers looking through the floorplans of the boats. Deciding on whose bedroom was whose, and if someone got a larger one, how the other two could have something else, like a jetski, to weigh it all up. I remember one of my friends actually sent an email to the company asking for a quote on our favourite, telling them our situation, that we were three friends who were looking to the future haha. Im pretty sure the sum taht came back was $30,000,000. Very expensive, but the amazing thing is that the sum didnt stop our dreams. Infact, it pushed them further, it gave sus something to work towards. We had all planned our careers, how each of us could make that $10,000,000, and then how we coudl eventually lease out the boat. Haha, good times.

What brought up this memory was an article I found on the internet a few days ago. It was about a new boat building company. They created these monolothic, utopian boats. HUGE structures that seemed more like a city, than a cruiser. These werent cruise ships either. They were for private use. Haha. Amazing boats though. Breath taking.

 

 

Yes, that is a volcano, on a boat. Yes, the top one comes with a submarine. Amazing. These are the 'Monaco' and 'Tropical Island' creations. If you would like to have a little look inside these 'islands' have a little tour of http://www.yachtislanddesign.com/ . Absolutely breathtakingly crazy. Lets just say, Sunseeker has now been place behind Yacht Island Design. Haha.

It may happen, one day. My friends and I may get lucky and become fabulously rich. You never know. Fate has a weird way of working.

 

 

Believe

We were dreamers not so long ago
But one by one we all had to grow up
When it seems the magic's slipped away
We find it all again on Christmas day

So, last Saturday, two days ago, I performed at a local Carols by Candlelight. It was a lovely event. Beautiful night, no clouds, just stars pouring down onto the various picnic blankets that were scattered on the field. It was really nice to see all the little kids excited for Santa, and the Christmas cheer that was to come. I guess now that im older, the happiness of Christmas has left me a little, specially this year. Ive found it really hard this year, mainly because I've been soo busy! Also another reason maybe because im not really celelbrating on Christmas day because mum is flying, so I am pretty much alone for Christmas. Its alright, I am trying to organise to go to a close family friends house for lunch, so that could be nice.

Seeing all the kids at Carols did make me a little sad. That the magic that we all used to feel at that time has left. That im growing up! I dont want to grow up! I want Peter Pan to take me to Neverland where we can live amongst the mermaids and fairies. Haha. I remember being little, and waking up at 5am in the morning, running out to the Christmas tree in the living room to find it lost in a sea of presents. i remember my methodical approach to opening them, and the smiles that my mum and dad had. We were together as a whole. A family. I remember one Christmas, I had asked for Barbie Rupunzel and Ken Prince Charming (haha, I was asking for barbies for Christmas. How didnt I know I was gay?), and when I unwrapped them, I didnt let them out of my sight for the whole day. We had the family over for Christmas lunch, and they were both sitting on the table next to my plate. I was over the moon! Ahhh well. Those days are over now. I certainly dont get Barbie's for Christmas anymore, or any sort of toy for that matter!

I will try and do a post or two a day for the rest of the week, because im home alone, and I have nothing better to do! Haha. Its weird. Writing on a blog. All these things that I have never told anyone about, are now out for the public to see. Its kind of like, I dont know, a place where you can just let everything out, and no one will judge you because they have no idea who you are haha.



Still Hurting

What about lies, Jamie?
What about things
That you swore to be true
What about you, Jamie
What about you

Yesterday was meant to be one of the happiest days of my life. The end of the high school chapter, and beginning of 'University'. I recieved my ATAR (University entry number), which was an incredibly 90. I wasnt expecting it at all! My day was full of happiness, and laughing. Catching up with school friends and teachers, basking in the glory of two years hard work. I thought that by 8pm, nothing could ruin the day. But something did. By someone that I would have thought to be proud, rather than bitter. At precisely 8.23pm I recieved a text from my father.

Father dearest basically said that I was a stupid, rude child, that cannot think for himself, and who he never wants to see again. Ending it with a cheerfully sarcastic, Merry Christmas! It was a long message, going a little more indepth than the above. I just wanted to live in the moment, to have a nice day filled with happiness. To know that my family was proud of me. I sent an email to my grandparents(dads parents) at about lunchtime yesterday, just filling them in on all the things that have been happening in my busy life for the past 2 weeks. They obviously forwarded that to my dad, who decided to turn it all against me.

I guess today is a new day. I just need to forget about it all. Which I am trying to do. I need to clear my mind for the next few days, and then I can figure out how to handle the situation. It has gone on too long. He has ruined too many happy moments in my life. But for now, I am extracting it all from my memory. Its Christmas, happiness is everywhere, and I am going to join in on it. No more tears, no more sadness. Just love.



Not For The Life of Me

I studied all the pictures in magazines and books
I memorized the subway map too
It's one block north to Macy's and two to Brothers Brooks
Manhattan, I prepared for you.

Today I embarked upon a spontaneous trip to the city! Hoorah! The shimmering oasis of shopping, hotels, and historic buildings has certainly not changed. I can say that, I went up their to look for a job, and I didnt find one. So, it was a little bit of a failed mission, however, I got to do a little pre Christmas window shopping, which is always fun :) And I bought myself a book for the train ride home. Cloudstreet by Tim Winton, im only a few chapters in, but I love it.

I also got to go and have a look in Allens, which is a big music store up in Sydney. They have an amazing collection of sheet music. I could easily spend hundreds of dollars in there. I found lots of splendiforous show books, stuff that you cant usually get in Australia, but Allens has it all! What I also love soo much about Allens is its building. Weird huh, but its the grand old building, one thats been there for decades. I guess thats what I love soo much about Melbourne, they have kept most of their old buildings, where Sydney just either knocks them down or leaves them to rot.

I also, oddly, ran into 'Hot Jazz Singer' while I was frolicking around the city. He was completely rude to me, and now I am turned off him entirely. I guess that means im back to being solely enthralled by 'The Prince'. It was really eye openning though. We have had such nice conversations through messages, and then when we meet he turns into a complete dick. Ahh well, I have been warned about him before. I will just have to learn to take others advice.

On a depressing note (well depressing for me, happy for them). There was a really cute gay couple on the train coming home. They were snuggled up to eachother, and having nice little conversations. It was exactly what I yearn for! They were also really, REALLY attractive, and about my age, which did surprise me a little, becasue ive never seen someoen my age be so romantic. Just the way they sat and talked and their gestures. Haha, I sound a little bi tlike a stalker, but they held my attention. Lets just say that I didnt get through much of my book on the train haha.

Someday I will live in the city, perform on its stages, sleep in the clouds. Its always been my friend and my dream to live together in a penthouse in Sydney, preferably overlooking Hyde park, but any will really do haha. One of those amazing ones that has its own pool, and beautiful views. Ahh dreams.

 

A Life So Changed

I really hate it how friends change when they are in a relationship. I dont know if this happens for everyone, but recently one of my best and closest friends has got herself a boyfriend, and she has changed completely. Whenever I see her now, the boyfriend is always there. There is absolutely nothign wrong with the boyfriend, he is lovely, but I want her to talk to me again! It seems shes always either with him, or talking to him on facebook or her mobile. Gah!
Now, take the song out of context. Remove it from the movie. Or, maybe I will just set a new scene for you. Ok, so Rose and Jack are at the front of the ship, you know, 'flying' and all that, and standing about 100 meters behind is Rose's bestfriend. He came on the voyage with her, then she found Jack and went galavanting all over the ship with him, leaving bestfriend alone for the voyage. Then tragically bestfriend dies in the sinking, Rose cries for eternity, losing teh guy she has known her WHOLE LIFE! and guy she has known for a few days.
Gah! what is the big deal about having a partner. Why cant people just be happy alone. Haha, I can talk, it seems that in every post for the past few weeks, ive mentioned something about wanting a boyfriend. Hypocrite! I guess I just dont know what it feels like to have a partner, to be loved, and hugged, and snuggled....sigh. Still! I wouldnt leave my bestie behind!
Anyway, thats my sob story for the day. I am not so depressed about not getting into the Uni, although ive just found out that 'Jazz Singer' has been offered a place at thesame Uni for the Jazz course... That means both 'Prince Charming' and 'Hot Jazz Singer' are possibly moving over the otherside of the country. Life sucks, and then you die...haha

Here Comes Santa Claus

Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle,
Oh what a beautiful sight,
So jump in bed, and cover your head,
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

I just realised that I havent put any posts about Christmas up yet! Oh Gosh, I hear you all say! I guess I have just been too busy to even comprehend it. Wow, that is so sad. Im becoming ot busy to remember Christmas! But its all ok, I have remembered, and the celebrations shall begin.

The weirdest part of me forgetting about Christmas is that im doing the Carols by Candlelight, so I have no idea what was going through my head. Haha. Bring on the Christmas cheer!

Defying Gravity

Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

I just found out that the Performing Arts University that I tried out for has said 'thanks but not thanks' this year. I must say, im taking it a little bit worse than I thought I would. I though that id be fine about it, but I guess ive been hoping for soo long that I would get in, and now that I didnt, its really sad. Ahh well, I guess I just have to spend this year buffing up, and perfecting my dance. Its going to happen. I will make it, someday.

It is a very hard University to get into, and they only take 10 boys in Australia into the course. I made it to Callback, which is top 40 guys, so thats pretty amazing in its own right. 'Prince Charming' and his 'Princess' best friend made it in, which is absolutely amazing! I am soo happy for them! I just wish that I was going with them.

My job search is still going horribly, nothing back from any of the places ive applied for. I think thats what my main problem is, I have too much time on my hands, and im spending most of it sitting at home alone. If I had a job, I would be spending my weekdays earnign money, but no, no one wants me. Haha, so dramatic. I think I might go down to the beach and have a swim, kick start my fitness regime for the year with a bang!

Pure Imagination

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly
Wish to be.

Imagination. A tool that I often have to use, but when I am sick of using my own, its nice to be able to experience someone elses. I have always been a bit of a gamer. I used to be quite addicted, but now im too busy to get into a good game. I always used to love losing myself. Those games where you create your own character, and run through a world of fantasy doing whatever you wanted. I loved Oblivion and Fable, and Kingdom Hearts. Gah! So many memories. I guess really, gaming has had a large effect on me as ive grown up. I remember getting a game called Guild Wars.

My first online game, meaning I could talk and play with other people whilst gaming. This is a bad mix. I started to spend all my time on it, I was quite addicted, but just from talking to people on the otherside of the world, I was learning things. I was experiencing happiness and anger, heartache and love. I know, it sounds pretty weird falling in love with someone you have never met, but it happened for me. I met boys, and we would talk and play for hours together, but there is one who had the most profound effect on me. His name was Dalton, its kinda where I got my Blogger name from, and we met questing for some rare artefact. He was such a nice person, and always genuinely cared for what I had to say, and how I was. We acted as psychiatrists to eachother, always spilling our feelings, and latest real life endevours. We got each other through pretty horrible times. It was nice. Then he stopped playing, and then I stopped playing, and we never talked again.

 I guess you can say that I was in love with Dalton, and that was my first real relationship. The best part was that their wasnt a horrible breakup, because a breakup never happened. We just grew apart.
Still like ot game a little, just for an hour or two when I feel like it. It is an escape. A place where everything is perfect. A utopia. You most likely all think im a real nerd now, but whats wrong with that? :)

You Found Me

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me!

Im trying to get my blog back in order. The number of posts during November just wasnt enough. So I have to improve, but then again, it was the busiest month of my life.

So I got a text from my dad this morning, I know, I was surprised too. He wants to get together. "So your exams are over mate, do you want to come down and see the farm?" I dont understand how my exams made it impossible for a call, of which, I didnt get even on my birthday. I dont think he understands that the state that our relationship is in at the moment, that I dont want to go and spend a happy fun weekend frolliking amongst the cows and sheep. If anything, I just want to go and have lunch or something, until the relationship is healed slightly, if thats possible. A further effect of my realtionship with my father is my poverty. I am already living the life of a poor Uni student before ive even started uni!

So this week I began searching for a job. Ive applied for David Jones, Zara, Glue Store, and Fossil. All in Sydney, and all retail. I really hope that something comes out of one, because my current financial situation just isnt good enough! My chemist job is earning me $30 a week, which is better than nothing, but still!, $30! I cant live off that, particularly in the Christmas period. Gah! If anyone can help my job search, all suggestions are welcomed :)

Finally, I will babble on about my romantic status at the moment. Which, is unchanged, annoyingly. No love for me! I think there are two boys who are flirting with me, but im not really into them, so I kinda just turn their flirting into nice conversations. Basically they arent 'Prince' or 'Jazz'. Who im still strung up on. Love sucks! Why cant things ever be easy! I just want an amazing relationship! GAAAAAAH!



Denouement

It is all over. My exams. My auditions. My performance. All gone. And the most annoy thing is that I always seem to wish I did things differently.
My performance went amazingly! It was phenomenal! Everyone loved it! I learnt soo much, and I gained soo many beautiful friends. Friends that I know I will never let go. This is annoying thing number one. I let my self consciousness over power me. 'The Nobles' accepted me, in fact, I seriously partied with them on Saturday night. It was one of the funnest nights of my life! (I was at Stonewall from 2-6am, just in case anyone else was) I have made a new bestfriend, she is basically the Australian version of Lea Michele, which makes me incredibly happy! And I found out that they had always really liked me, it was just my stupid self making me shy away. The night/morning was soo good! Waaay too much alcohol, but on the plus size, $4 drinks, so I still have money let over! :) We danced the night away!!! It was the sort of night that I had been longing for for the past few weeks. However.
Just as I was getting closer to 'Prince Charming', things took a turn for the worst. All was good, we were sharing a dressing room, lots of giggles, I even found out from 'New Bestfriend' that he said I was on his sexiest people in the performance list. Until he falls for the makeup guy. Makeup guy was very attractive, but HE wasnt meant to fall for him! My Prince was stolen by the Fairy Godfather. I thought it may pass at the afterparty, however, makeup guy turns up, 'Prince' is locked with him all night! My chances shattered infront of me. Ahh well, I waited, and I payed for it.
It wasnt all horrible though. An unlikely beau appeared. In the form of 'exotic jazz singer'. I was preparing myself to leave, saying goodbye to various people, when he suddenly interjects. He hadnt really ever talked to me, and even on the night, he didnt say anything, until then. I tell him that I am going. He then does the most peculiar thing. He gently pushes me against the wall, and and puts his arm over my chest to stop me from leaving. I was really quite surprised at first, and then he insisted on buying me a drink, which he did. Nothing else happened that night, however, since then, I have been in contact with him. Nice messages. A little flirty. :)
BUT! I dont know what to do! I am still strung up on 'Prince Charming' and now I have 'Exotic Jazz Singer'! Its amazing. How, to begin with, I felt like such an outcast and now I am being accepted and wanted. GAH! I am soo confused! Turns out the denouement of my performance was just the beginning of my love life!
Im stuck between the trumpet and the crown.

Till I Hear You Sing

The day starts, the day ends
Time crawls by
Night steals in, pacing the floor
The moments creep,
Yet I can’t bear to sleep
Till I hear you sing!

The past week has been absolutely mental! I flew down to Melbourne 5 days ago for my audition, and since then, I havent stopped! I shall indulge all on the Melbourne adventure first.

The moment I stepped onto that plane, it hit me. I was auditioning for my future tomorrow. Oh I know, very dramatic, but completely true! The audition was for a perfomring arts university, very well known, and very prestigious. The plane trip was smooth, mostly due to our business class seats, thankyou industry parents, and we arrived into the cultural center of Australia. My audition went AMAZINGLY! So mother and I went and explored Melbourne for a little while, well me exploring, mum just doing what she usually does when she goes to Mel. We ended up at the Regent Theatre, where mum, out of the blue, bought tickets to 'Love Never Dies', the 'Phantom of the Opera' sequel. Best birthday present ever! Oh yes, forgot to tell you, it was my birthday! Which was completely over shadowed by my audition, but anyway. The show was astounding! Absolutely beautiful. Tear jerking. Heart renching. Stunning. This was then further made better by a phone call that I recieved asking me to attend a CALLBACK FOR THE UNI! HOORAH!!!!!
The callback was the next day, which went well. I guess. It was a good learning curve. I know that im most likely not going to get in, but it was a really good first experience. Melbourne has lots of goodlooking people. The callback was full of them! :)
As we made for home, my phone was ringing constantly with Birthday and congratulation and good luck messages. Surprisingly some from the 'nobles' in my performance. Who are now talking to me. Just shows what it takes to be noticed by them.
I was then thrust into the full week of rehearsals, which I am still halfway through, for the show at the end of the week. Early mornings and days of dance dont mix! Still, its fun, im learning stuff, all is good. Looking forward to Saturday night, afterparty, whcih also includes going out in Sydney, Hoorah for birthday celebration! So this week is full of fun and happiness!
'Prince Charming' is becoming charming again. My crush is flaring up, but I have that little bit more confidence now. Im still planning on Saturday night being the time to get to know him more haha. Oh well, I will try and keep posting this week, but I know it is going to get really crazy! So, no promises!



Turning Tables

So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables.

Its amazing. The fear of being left behind. For the past few days, its what has been haunting my mind. I have my HUGE audition in two days, placed nicely on my birthday (sarcasm intended), and my nerves have clouded my emotions. I am at that stage in life where all my friends go their separate paths, I mean we all hope to keep in touch but we all know that doesnt usually happen.

Some of my friends are trying out for the same college, and thsi is what my post is mainly about. Am I horrible in not knowing how I would react if one of my friends made it in and I didnt? I mean of course I would be soo excited for them, but that feeling of loss deep down may arise. I guess all I can hope is that I impress enough to make it in. I have a slim chance, only 10 males in Australia are chosen a year, but there is still that chance. I just need to keep positive. Think about the present, and let the future do what it wants for the time being.

On a happy note! Its my birthday in two days!!!! Hoorah! Happy fun times. It gives me a definitive reason to party, of which I am looking forward to a nice outing to the city with a few friends. Specially those friends who I havent seen in the past 6 months. Gah! I hate it when that happens, when you lose touch with those dear to you. But its alright if it does, becasue you know that the ones who are truely dear will act as if you saw them yesterday!

On the 'Prince Charming' front. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Which is good! becasue my obsessive stage is over, and now im slowly going out of my horrid crush. His grasp over me is fading. Hoorah to freedom!!!!!!





Journey to the Past

One step at a time
One hope then another
Who knows where this road may go.

It amazes me how two faced people can be. I have spent the past few weeks wanting soo badly to be accepted by the 'nobles' in my performance. Coming home in completely depressed moods because I havent feel accepted, but I dont think I want to be anymore.

A young celebrity has just joined the show, hes quite new to the business, and used to do this show last year (its an annual thing). Now I know that last year (when he wasnt famous), people didnt really talk to him much, kinda like whats happening to me. When he became quite well known, lots of the 'nobles' began making fun of him and stuff like that, all behind his back. Now, as he has just joined the show, they are all falling over eachother to have lunch with him, or hug him, or talk to him. It is just pathetic, and I really feel for him. He's only about 13, and thats a hard stage of anyones life, just hitting puberty, trying to make friends, but he has to deal with the performing arts industry (and lets face it, it is pretty horrible) as well!

The show is turning out really well though! Im still utterly depressed about my lack of solo, but its all lessons I guess. I can just focus on my chorus work, which is good because im certainly not expecting to go straight to the top in my musical career. I guess the let down of being in the chorus will be that little bit lighter than the others :) Always have ot keep that positive mindset.

I have the most gigantic auditions of my life on Thursday. I dont think I will ever feel I am prepared enough! But I know I will be, I mean I most likely am now. I just need to do that little bt mroe research on character, and emotional state, and I will be fine! Only two more weeks until I am free of all the bonds that take up my spare time. Hoorah!!!

Any Other World

 Cos It's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in...

I have my last HSC exam tomorrow. Im in this state of complete numbness. The feeling of the unknown. I just have no idea what to do. What will I do? When all the hours of the day that I used to go to school are now free? I guess I will just have to get a job, wait for Uni, and keep going. It will be good! I can finally slow down. Hopefully not too much though, because its a horrible feeling when you are really really busy and then all of a sudden not. Its like a state of limbo, you want to do something, but you dont. Haha, im making no sense at all!

Its my birthday in 10 days. Gah! Wow, I will be 19. I guess I will certainly be a fully fledged adult. Then I have a week of performances, and then downtime. Im preparing for Summer as well! Ive started working out, (cant remember if ive told you that yet?) hopefully making myself less boney, and more muscley :) Also a good way to get a tan!

Other than that, my life has been quite boring. As you might have guessed. So I shall leave it there, and end it with the typical hearthrob!



Be Our Guest

How could anyone be gloomy and depressed?
We'll make you shout "encore!"
And send us out for more
So, be our guest!

Last night I went to a party, and I must say, that it was the craziest party I have ever been to. Full of alcohol, drugs, and nakedness.

I had rehearsals the next morning, early, so I wasnt able to drink, and I had to leave early, but the few hours I was there, it was completely insane! So it was a bit of a celebration for the end of exams. Quite a large crowd. Everyone very happy due to the effects of alcohol. The Night was going well, then out of the corner of my eye a guy casually walks through the house completely nude...everyone was a little confused at first but then accepted it and just tried to avert their eyes, then two more guys decide to continue the trend also taking off all their clothes. Now, I have nothing against nudists, but was it really necessary? This was a completely heterosexual party, except me, and there are three guys walking around displaying their manhood. I dont get it. Why would they really want to do it? Most likely just the combination of drugs and alcohol, but, whatever.
Apart from the few things mentioned above, it was really fun. Got to have nice, happy fun times, and let my hair down a little. People were floating around, obviously high on some drug, which I really dont like. Drugs are bad, dont do drugs... And everything was going fine. However, due to the amount of smokers, I smelt disgusting when I came home. It was straight in the shower for me, washed my hair quickly and then off the bed, to wake up 5 hours later for an 8 hour day of rehearsals. Im actually quite surprised that I have the brain capacity to write this at the moment.
'Prince Charming' update: Nothing to tell. He still isnt talking to me, and I dont really want to make an effort if it isnt going to be met halfway. Although, the 'nobles' of my performance asked me if I wanted to go and party in the city tonight with them. I was really tempted to say yes, but it would have been waaay too hard, plus I most likely would have died due to my lack of sleep. I had no nice clothes, and I live too far away to come home. Ahh well, I will just have to wait until the afterparty! Secretly im hoping that 'Prince Charming' and I are going to get horribly drunk and end up having hot sex all night, but thats just between you and me. Haha! I cant believe I just wrote that.

Time Warp

Well I was walking down the street
Just a having a think,
When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.

So, I have been quite busy the past few days. Nothing very exciting, but busy nevertheless. Ive had rehearsals and study and classes and all the jazz, all in preparation for the next month! Gah! in less than 2 weeks I have my major audition for a performing arts uni, which just so happens to be on the same day as my birthday...fate maybe? I hope.

Also, due to the unfortunate demise of my trusty Nokia, I am now in possession of the new iPhone! Hoorah! Happy fun times! I was very excited :). So I have been setting that up for the past fews days, getting used to it and all that. I decided to download two gay 'friend finder' apps. Grindr and Manhunt. Well...My innocence just flew out the window! I downloaded Grindr because I wanted to find guys in the area like me, which I have, and manhunt because my friends use it as a social media. There are some really nice people who arent out for sex, sex, sex...but then there are the guys who just seem to like sending you pictures of their dicks. Look, I understand that these apps are used for no strings attached hookups, and I thought I woudl get a few questions askign to meetup, but not dick pics straight up!

I guess that the past few days have been good, because I have been able to progress past the bad part of my crush. I saw him again today, and I stil lhave massive feelings for him, but not soo bad. Which is good. That means that I am slowly becoming uninterested. So really, happy fun time all round! Woo! Almost time to party, party, party!!!!

 



The Movie in My Mind

He'll keep us safe all day,
So no one comes at night
To blow the dream away.
Dream
The dream I have to find
The movie in my mind...

Im home alone today, and I have no idea what to do! I couldnt be bothered studying, im all up to date with my performance material, and I have nothing planned at all for the day. All my friends are either in exams or studying for them, and im just left sitting here alone. Maybe I should have a movie day?

Its just that I think if I do sit here and watch movies all day I will end up in one of my depressed states, because no one loves me! Oh I know, im being completely ridiculous, but I have just been in this really weird mood lately where my lack of romance is effecting me. Maybe it is just my crush, I dont know. Its all stupid! Gah!

Is it weird that I just want to be standing at the bow of a ship, arms outstretched with him passionately kissing me over my shoulder? Or rolling around in the sand with the tide flowing in and out asking him to proclaim that hes a bird. Come on, youve all wanted to reenact a movie scene with your lover at least once in your life. I guess the hardest part for me is just finding the lover. I think I just need to forget about 'Prince Charming'. I just need to realise that it is never going to happen, and never will. Its just a stupid crush, and I need to forget about it. Focus on something else. But i guess the hardest part is that I have to see him every weekend until after the performance.

The crush was stupid, it shouldnt have even happened. I mean for one, he lives on the other side of sydney as I do, so its not like we have easy access. Then there is the fact that I have never really talked to him. Its not just a physical attraction though, because I have seen him be really nice to everyone, and he is playing Prince Charming, so surely some of that character would be evident in him...

I do this all the time, as im sure alot of people do. Always go for what is out of your range. I guess whatever doesnt kill you only makes you stronger.

El Tango de Roxanne

Why does my heart cry?
Feelings I can't fight,
You're free to leave me, but just don't deceive me,
And please believe me when I say I love you.

I woke up this morning in a happy but lovesick mood. It usually happens with me. I get a massive crush, and then I start dreaming about us having relationships, and then I wake up, and find out that it wasnt real.

Last nights dream was soo nice though, and it felt soo real! I think my main problem is that I compare myself to others too much. So since I dont have a solo in the performance, I feel as if I am not as good as everyone else, which may be true, but then again my voice may not have suited any of the songs. This is what is causing my shyness. Therefore, all I need to do is walk in and not care about how I look or act. Just go in, re introduce myself, and just be accessible. Ive been closing myself off, so I just need to open up!

Its all a tango! The passion of life, mixed in with heart ache and what not. Haha, I even changed my room around today, hoping that I wouldnt dream about him like that again. I mean it certainly wasnt a bad dream, it wasnt even sexual in any manner what so ever. It was just nice, it was as if we were together and happy.

I shall just have to see if my plan works out. Fingers crossed!



I Dreamed a Dream

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

Why cant everything just always be happy and fun!? Why cant we just live our dreams!? Why must there always be those down times? Sure some people say that good needs bad to exist, but I ask why does bad need always linger somewhere?

Look, my day has been a little crap, but then again it has been ok. I spent the day up in Sydney at rehearsals, which where fun, but nothing is as amazing as I wanted it to be! Why cant everyone get a solo? Some people have 2 to 3, couldnt they just have shared the load! Why must people have stupid pompous ideas about 'You dont have a solo? Sorry I refuse to talk to you.' It horrible! Why cant he notice me!?!?!?

Gah! My stupid infatuation with 'Prince Charming' is exactly that, stupid. Its never going to happen, thanks to my amazingly large amount of shyness, which when coupled with my lack of solo, is like a major turn off to anyone! In a perfect world, I would have been given a solo, I would be talking to him, things would be good! Or even dont give me a solo, but let him notice me...LOVE ME!!!!!

Today is a bit of a pity post, a silly teenage boy post about stupid things that wont happen. A crappy post about stupid crushes. I apologize, but I needed to get it off my chest.

Dreams! Who needs them! They just make people sad...

Now I leave you with a photo of someone who looks a little like 'Prince Charming', kinda...not really. Infact, if you want to try and guess who, I have posted a picture of the actual 'Prince Charming' in a previous post. I wonder if anyone can guess who?



Anything Goes

And though I'm not a great romancer
I know that I'm bound to answer
When you propose,
Anything goes!

She is the modern Goddess of Musical Theatre. Sutton Foster is purely amazing! Everytime I watch her I get depressed for all the girls in the theatre world. I even get depressed for the boys, because frankly, she could pull off anything!

I thought I would use this song today because it has been a good day, and this song makes me happy. I got to spend all of yesterday and little bit of today in the presence of 'Prince Charming'. We had rehearsals, in fact, I have more tomorrow, so that is another early morning for me! Rehearsals are getting better, although I must admit, I am a little angry because 'Ego Boy' is back with a vengence. I also am just chorus in this show, the only male chorus, yaay me (sarcasm intended).

Its really quite sad, because there is this unspoken pecking order in the show. A heirarchy that everyone knows exists, but no one talks about. There are the special group of soloists who occupy the grand court (the nobles), then there are the next lot of soloists (the middle class), then there is the peasants (chorus). It makes it really horrible, because the 'nobles' dont really ever talk to the 'peasants', I mean we can try, but with my gift of shyness, it makes it very hard. I think in the past 2 months, ive only ever laughed at a few of 'Prince Charming's' jokes, and then added a few words here and there in a conversation between us all. Pathetic right? Although! A breakthrough occurred today. I had a decent conversation with the 'Prince Charming's' best friend, who is also playing the princess in the show. We shared something in common, and I acted up it. Slowly but surely I may be bridging the gap between the 'Prince' and the 'Pauper' (Im sorry, I couldnt help it, cliches are my thing).
Also, my foot was good enough to dance on today, so I got to do a bit of that. Our piece went really well!
Really scary part of it all is that we are reharsing at the venue tomorrow. So if anyone is at the Sydney Entertainment Center tomorrow, I will be gracing your presence. Lets hope everything goes well!
I guess in regard to the 'Prince' im just hoping that something happens. Something in his mind makes him look my way, talk to me a little bit. Blindness of the heart? I try as much as I can, I try, but I really just need to get over my self consciousness, and go up and strike a conversation. Gah! If only.



Do You Hear the People Sing?

Do you hear the people sing?

Singing a song of angry men?

It is the music of a people,

Who will not be slaves again!

It only takes one man to destroy an empire. Yesterday, the entire fleet of QANTAS aircraft were grounded. All over the world, the 'Red Kangaroo' was told to stay firmly on the floor. Thousands of passengers have either been not been able to get to their destination, or be stranded in it. The media have said that it has been because of Union action. Which is partly true. The ground staff have been striking for a little while now, but they havent affect the whole fleet entirely. They never sought to do that. Alan Joyce, the CEO of QANTAS, has obviously gone insane!
The public cannot blame the Union's, they should blame the corporate's. Only a few weeks ago he gave himself a sizable bonus in the millions. Meanwhile, the people working below him, the people who give QANTAS its good name are left with minimum pay. This whole situation is horrible, and to think of all the people who are stuck where they are.
Please, dont blame the flight attendants, or ground staff, or baggage handlers, because it was the actions of one man that brought the airline that never crashed, burning to the ground.



Heigh Ho!

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho
It's off to work we go.

So, ive come to the conclusion that builders were not put on this planet to build at all. They were sent here to entice the passerby, depress the sexually innactive, and excite the active. They are basically paid to strut around flaunting what they have to offer. Sure, this makes them sound like they are strippers, but really, what is the difference between to two.

I know that at this very moment, two very fine examples of the species are doing what they do best across the street. One is infact shirtless, a perfect example of why they are basically strippers. They walk around half naked for most of the day, pounding, gyrating, and lifting. They also spend half their time standing motionless, hands either crossed or firmly placed on their hips, looking out into the distance, add a spotlight and it would be the perfect silhouette. Although, I may be wrong about this, they may just be taking a small standing nap, as what is always found upon their nose is a pair of dark tinted sunglasses. The type that you cant see through, however you know are hiding a pair of passionate eyes. Then mix together the glistening traces of sweat upon their highly developed musceles, and the pants that are always pulled down just enough to show the beginnings of a v on their front and you have a modern Adonis!

Maybe I should go and take a few tips from them? Ask them to enlighten me on the ways of builderhood. But who am I kidding, as if I would EVER do that. What is the point of me even thinking about it.


Sometimes When You Dream

Sometimes when you dream,

Your dreams come true,

In extraordinary ways,

Suddenly a day can be so amazing!

So, I am lying here on my bed, laptop resting on my belly, in a mood of bliss. My exam went incredibly well today! It seems that my unusual lack of stress yesterday was for the best! So now, I can just be happy! My really hard exams are over, I just have my easy one in two weeks, which I am not worried about one bit!

Ive been thinking, I should probably get my RSA, because I guess, it would be fun to work at a bar next year while im at uni. I could totally be the typical bar working, uni student! Working to get through my studies. I have also concluded that I need to grow up! I have been playing the part of Peter Pan for most of my life now, but as high school comes to an end, I feel that its time for me to follow the path that I am supposed to. I think that moving up to Sydney will help this immensely, so I cannot wait until that happens. Ive been looking, and a few places have come up tht woudl suit us perfectly!

Other than all that, ive just been dreaming a little more. Just the usual, wishing that I had have had a nice boy to come home to after my exam today. Its funny actually, I was talking to one of my friends about what we would like in a boy, and he has a very definitive list. Going as far as saying no cropped hair, no really long hair, the list was quite extensive. Me on the other hand, I just ask for them to be around my age, not younger, and as tall as me, preferably taller. The only problem with this is that I am mutantly tall, so I guess my list is just as hard as my friends. Gah!

More rehearsals this weekend, infact I have to learn John Lennon's 'Imagine'. Not really learn it, just familiarise myself with the lyrics. I certainly know the tune, I mean who doesnt? Then I have a very nice break week next week. Oh the bliss!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Today was a good day. Which was really quite unexpected, because I have a huuuuuge exam tomorrow, and I thought I would be stressing out completely, but im not, I mean, as you can see, ive even found time to write a post! I guess I have just come to teh conclusion that, if I dont know it now, then there is quite a small chance I will know it tomorrow.

So I spent a little bit of time going over notes and that sort of stuff a bit earlier. I went to work for 3 hrs as well, which was a little unexpected, the girl who I share my job with was sick today so I got a few extra hours. I also went to see one of my most dear, and amazing, and completely beautiful friends today. Havent had a chance to see her for about 3 weeks. Gah! If only I wasnt gay! She is so perfect. Has the whole 'girl next door' vibe going on, and she has a voice! A beautiful one! We were actually husband and wife in a production earlier this year. Was soo good!

Right now though, as im basking in the glory of the day thats been, looking out my window over the ocean. A full rainbow acting as a frame to this picture. Everything seems good. I mean, in reality its not, in reality everything is completely crazy and stuffed up and shitty, but to me, in my state of bliss, everything is amazing! Just imagine a tall, slim dark haired boy, wearing blue and white checked overalls and red converse, holding a little basket, with a golden retriever (I like them more than what Toto is) standing dopily by his side looking out over a rainbow. That is what im imagining at the moment. That is where I want to be. A place where 'dreams that you dare to dream really do come true'. A good place, a happy place.