Saturday 31 December 2011

Ice Dance


The dawn of 2012 is almost upon us. The end of what has been a massive year is here. I think this year has been about learning. Learning about all the difficult things in life. So some may see it as a horrible year, but others may see it as a year of enlightenment, a year of wonder. I think, on New Years Eve it is most important not to remember the bad in the year that was, but the good. All those little (or big) things that happened that made it special. Special in a way that only you may know, but also special in a way that everyone around you should know.
2012 for me will be about doing. Im sick of learning about the good and bad in life, so I am just going to do! Sure, I am starting Uni, but I guess, Uni for me is just something to fill in the time. I know what I want to do, and I now have the drive to achieve it! I have been pushed down too much this year. So, 2012 is going to be my year of 'fighting back'. Im not going to stay down anymore, Im going to get up, no, Im going to jump up! Im actually a little excited. I don't really know what to expect. No more school 5 days a week. Maybe a job? Maybe my own source of income? Living back in the city! Gah! It is going to be a good year!
Now, I just need to figure out how to celebrate it haha. My friends plans have failed so far. Well, not failed, just haven't been organised enough. We will most likely end up just sitting at someones house haha, but i like to think that something exciting might happen. Excitement! Another thing that 2012 should be full of! Haha.
Well, Happy New Years everybody! May the new year be filled with wonder, excitement, and doing!




Thursday 29 December 2011

A Thousand Years

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises,
How to be brave,
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.

So, my Sydney expedition continues! Yesterday seems like it didn't exist haha, mainly for the reason that I was incredibly hungover. As in the most I have ever been. It was actually really funny, because my two friends and I went out to the city for dinner, and a somewhat subdued night, only to return home and party the night away.
Upon deciding that the city was dead (I mean I don't blame it, it was a Tuesday night), we went to a bottleshop to buy some beverages and go home. Well, my friend decided that it was a good idea to buy a $125 bottle of vodka. Im pretty sure that we only needed 1 shot of that stuff to have a good night, however, we all had about 4 haha. Lets just say, I was VERY happy that night. I can remember doing such things as; bouncing around the house on a yoga ball, interpretive dancing on the floor, performing 'Gimme Gimme', yelling 'we need to get off the boat!' repetitively and then making sure that all the women and children were off first, wanting to message 'Prince Charming' and confess my undying love for him (there is further story to this, I will come back to it), and playing Adele on the piano whilst crying with my friends over my being alone and unloved. Haha, so in other words, i have renamed it 'The Incredibly Emotive and Disasterous Night of the Titanic: a Musical Spectacular!'.
The friend whose house I am staying at has gone on a little date this morning, so I am justing having a little down time. This friend, however, also thought it would be a good idea to hijack my phone during 'The Incredibly Emotive and Disasterous Night of the Titanic: a Musical Spectacular!' and message 'Prince Charming'. I will show you a copy of the message. Look, it isn't too bad, but it still shouldn't have happened. 'Hellooooo Prince Charming! Dalton and I have been talking over vodka and he very much decided that you are very very good looking. Just know that Dalton likes you... Thanks.' Gah! I sent a sorry message the next morning, but I am still sooo embarrassed. 'Prince Charming' did send a message back saying not to worry about it, and its happened to him, but I still feel horrible. I guess he now knows my feelings haha. 
My friends and I have also decided that it is time I should do the deed. They agree and disagree with me on this however. They say that having just a random hookup is completely fine for your first time, but also agree with my perception that I want it to be special, with someone who is special to me. So again, I will continue my search for a new 'Prince Charming', considering that my original now thinks I am a complete douche. 
Well, I guess I should go and get into the day haha. Rather than just sitting here listening to Adele and feeling sorry for myself. Oh! Just quickly, looks like I will definitely be moving back to Sydney next year! Hoorah!!! Oh the joy of civilisation. 


Tuesday 27 December 2011

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

No more memories
No more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years.

So the festivities of Christmas are behind us, and now we are propelled towards the new year. At the moment im staying at a friends in Sydney, so I will try and keep posting, but using my phone feels a little weird haha.
Christmas day for me was quite low key, certainly nothing like the old days. A nice Christmas lunch with my mum and friends. Of course I had to send my dad a message before he wished me merry Christmas, infact, I don't even get a message from my grandparents! Guess I am definitely unloved by that side of the family. Oh well, who needs them!
So my little holiday in Sydney is hopefully going to be really fun. I'm saying with a friend from my old school, we basically grew up together, and came out together early this year haha. I'd just like a nice relax during the day, and party at night. We have no idea what to do on new years. We don't know of we should brave the city? All those crazy people hah. But for now, I will just lie down and rest my emotional and physical self :)
Merry belated Christmas everyone! And Happy New Year!


Friday 23 December 2011

I'm Not Afraid of Anything

Listen to the calling of excitement
Can you feel the pounding of my heart
The lights are ready
Pulse is steady
I can start...

What is it? That yearning for the stage? That call for the theatre? Love? Want? Need? Hope? Passion?...Passion...
My one true love in life is the stage. And I do say stage, not just theatre, because it isnt just singing and acting that im talking about. Its dancing, orchestral pieces, ballet, opera, cabaret, stand up, its everything. Costumes, lights, sounds, set... the whole thing. The most recent show I went to see was in a huge, old, beautiful theatre, and I found myself tearing up at the entry. The air of excitement that everyone has, the slightly dimmed lights, the spectacular chandelier. It is all a passion for me, and it effects me entirely; it makes me cry, it gives me goosebumps, it is almost indescribable.
Its funny, because I remember when I was very young, I used to want to perform. I sought for the soft warmth and glow that stagelights gave, the exhilaration that an applause created, and friendship that casts emit. I used to go and lock myself in my room, turn my cd player right up and blast out 'The Little Mermaid'! Haha, I never listened to Justin Timberlake or Kylie Minogue, it was always stage and film soundtracks; and usually Disney. I would listen to the whole cd as well, even the instrumental pieces, usually casting myself as every character, flouncing around, making a wall of my room the audience, and performing my little heart out to it. Hoping someday that I could do that, that I could be a Disney character, or a person on the 'big stage', and I guess the most fulfilling part is that I have done those things. I have made my younger wishes come true. Ive been a Disney character (one of my old favourites as well), and ive performed on some of the biggest stages in Australia.
Now im at the crossroads of my early life. Do I choose to follow my dream? To continue my passion? Or do I do the safer thing? Follow a secondary want, something that I wouldnt call a dream, something that would leave me financially secure, and quite happy, but not with the tingling feeling that my passion gives me. As bad as it is, in the times we live in, maybe financial security is better than love. Maybe being able to pay the bills is better than doing what your heart wants. I guess, at the moment, it just feels like I am at the bottom of a mountain, and I can choose to either walk up, or fly up. Sure, flying will give me that initial excitement, but once I get there, then what? Where walking will be tough, but I will experience soo much more.
Gah! Why cant life be easy! Why cant we all just be rich and able to do whatever we want? Why cant we all just be born on the peak of the mountain!? I guess its because a person is what they have earnt, not what they have been given.


Thursday 22 December 2011

Firework

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine!

Yesterday I went and saw 'New Years Eve' with a friend. With all the reviews and hype of the film, I wasnt expecting much. Hoping that it was something like Love Actually, and praying it was nothing like Valentine's Day, I plunged head first into the cinema. I was actually pleasantly surprised. It was no Love Actually, but it was still quite good. Although, I cant figure out if I really liked the film, or just the fact that Lea Michele was in it. haha. It also got me in the spirit of the New Year, made me a little excited for the celebrations that are to come! Is it sad that im looking more forward to New Years Eve, than to Christmas? I guess with Christmas you have to worry about family and friends, presents, food, etc, but with New Years, all you have to worry about is getting a kiss at midnight. A special kiss. Beneath the fireworks, surrounded by cheering people! Ahh, image the amazement.  :)







Tuesday 20 December 2011

Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo


Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
Put 'em together and what have you got
bibbidi-bobbidi-boo.

I am an avid lover of costumes. Which, I guess, is a good thing considering the field I want to enter into. However, its not just the wearing of costumes, its also the design of them that excites me. Funnily enough, originally, my dream was not to be performing on stage, but to be dressing it!
Before I started singing, I always wanted to be a costume designer. I used to go into my room and spend countless hours drawing and painting costumes. I would set myself a movie or story, and go from there. Drawing numerous costumes for each character, and then weilding my paintbrush in such a way to create either the flow of satin, warmth of fur, sharpness of metal, etc. It was a hobby, I even had a trusty shoebox full of buttons and ribbons, and various types and colours of fabrics. I remember going to the movies, and judging the film on its costumes rather than storyline haha. I guess the passion for costumes has never left me. I mean, I no longer draw them, but I still love viewing and wearing them. its always the best feeling to be dressed in an amazing costume. For a production I did a few years ago, I was a Prince, and the company had bought some costumes from the Sydney Opera Company. Lets just say that, I was excited. I was adorned in a stunningly intricate jacket, covered in beading and lacework. It was amazing, and very heavy haha.
So I thought I would post a few of my favourite costumes. Believe me, it was very hard to choose only a few of my favourites, but here they are. These are from Titanic, Atonement, Moulin Rouge!, Ever After, Chicago, and King Kong. Again, only a few, and very modern movies as well, rather than some of the classics. Some of the images arent that great, but you get the idea :)









Monday 19 December 2011

Doing the Latest Rag!


Everyone is bursting with emotion,
Dancing as we cross the mighty ocean,
Moving to the rhythm of
The latest rag!
It was always a dream that two of my friends and I had. A dream to own a HUGE boat! Something that we shared, and sailed around in in luxury. We always loved Sunseekers, and I remember when we went to the Sydney International Boat Show one year, and we were able to go onboard a few and look around, and then the pure ecstasy of getting a Sunseeker showbag at the end which had all the beautiful boats in a hardcover book. Something that I still have to this day.
Haha, I remember we used to spend countless lunchtimes in the library, on the computers looking through the floorplans of the boats. Deciding on whose bedroom was whose, and if someone got a larger one, how the other two could have something else, like a jetski, to weigh it all up. I remember one of my friends actually sent an email to the company asking for a quote on our favourite, telling them our situation, that we were three friends who were looking to the future haha. Im pretty sure the sum taht came back was $30,000,000. Very expensive, but the amazing thing is that the sum didnt stop our dreams. Infact, it pushed them further, it gave sus something to work towards. We had all planned our careers, how each of us could make that $10,000,000, and then how we coudl eventually lease out the boat. Haha, good times.
What brought up this memory was an article I found on the internet a few days ago. It was about a new boat building company. They created these monolothic, utopian boats. HUGE structures that seemed more like a city, than a cruiser. These werent cruise ships either. They were for private use. Haha. Amazing boats though. Breath taking.

 
 
Yes, that is a volcano, on a boat. Yes, the top one comes with a submarine. Amazing. These are the 'Monaco' and 'Tropical Island' creations. If you would like to have a little look inside these 'islands' have a little tour of http://www.yachtislanddesign.com/ . Absolutely breathtakingly crazy. Lets just say, Sunseeker has now been place behind Yacht Island Design. Haha.
It may happen, one day. My friends and I may get lucky and become fabulously rich. You never know. Fate has a weird way of working.
 
 

Believe

We were dreamers not so long ago
But one by one we all had to grow up
When it seems the magic's slipped away
We find it all again on Christmas day

So, last Saturday, two days ago, I performed at a local Carols by Candlelight. It was a lovely event. Beautiful night, no clouds, just stars pouring down onto the various picnic blankets that were scattered on the field. It was really nice to see all the little kids excited for Santa, and the Christmas cheer that was to come. I guess now that im older, the happiness of Christmas has left me a little, specially this year. Ive found it really hard this year, mainly because I've been soo busy! Also another reason maybe because im not really celelbrating on Christmas day because mum is flying, so I am pretty much alone for Christmas. Its alright, I am trying to organise to go to a close family friends house for lunch, so that could be nice.
Seeing all the kids at Carols did make me a little sad. That the magic that we all used to feel at that time has left. That im growing up! I dont want to grow up! I want Peter Pan to take me to Neverland where we can live amongst the mermaids and fairies. Haha. I remember being little, and waking up at 5am in the morning, running out to the Christmas tree in the living room to find it lost in a sea of presents. i remember my methodical approach to opening them, and the smiles that my mum and dad had. We were together as a whole. A family. I remember one Christmas, I had asked for Barbie Rupunzel and Ken Prince Charming (haha, I was asking for barbies for Christmas. How didnt I know I was gay?), and when I unwrapped them, I didnt let them out of my sight for the whole day. We had the family over for Christmas lunch, and they were both sitting on the table next to my plate. I was over the moon! Ahhh well. Those days are over now. I certainly dont get Barbie's for Christmas anymore, or any sort of toy for that matter!
I will try and do a post or two a day for the rest of the week, because im home alone, and I have nothing better to do! Haha. Its weird. Writing on a blog. All these things that I have never told anyone about, are now out for the public to see. Its kind of like, I dont know, a place where you can just let everything out, and no one will judge you because they have no idea who you are haha.



Friday 16 December 2011

Still Hurting

What about lies, Jamie?
What about things
That you swore to be true
What about you, Jamie
What about you

Yesterday was meant to be one of the happiest days of my life. The end of the high school chapter, and beginning of 'University'. I recieved my ATAR (University entry number), which was an incredibly 90. I wasnt expecting it at all! My day was full of happiness, and laughing. Catching up with school friends and teachers, basking in the glory of two years hard work. I thought that by 8pm, nothing could ruin the day. But something did. By someone that I would have thought to be proud, rather than bitter. At precisely 8.23pm I recieved a text from my father.
Father dearest basically said that I was a stupid, rude child, that cannot think for himself, and who he never wants to see again. Ending it with a cheerfully sarcastic, Merry Christmas! It was a long message, going a little more indepth than the above. I just wanted to live in the moment, to have a nice day filled with happiness. To know that my family was proud of me. I sent an email to my grandparents(dads parents) at about lunchtime yesterday, just filling them in on all the things that have been happening in my busy life for the past 2 weeks. They obviously forwarded that to my dad, who decided to turn it all against me.
I guess today is a new day. I just need to forget about it all. Which I am trying to do. I need to clear my mind for the next few days, and then I can figure out how to handle the situation. It has gone on too long. He has ruined too many happy moments in my life. But for now, I am extracting it all from my memory. Its Christmas, happiness is everywhere, and I am going to join in on it. No more tears, no more sadness. Just love.



Sunday 11 December 2011

Not For The Life of Me

I studied all the pictures in magazines and books
I memorized the subway map too
It's one block north to Macy's and two to Brothers Brooks
Manhattan, I prepared for you.

Today I embarked upon a spontaneous trip to the city! Hoorah! The shimmering oasis of shopping, hotels, and historic buildings has certainly not changed. I can say that, I went up their to look for a job, and I didnt find one. So, it was a little bit of a failed mission, however, I got to do a little pre Christmas window shopping, which is always fun :) And I bought myself a book for the train ride home. Cloudstreet by Tim Winton, im only a few chapters in, but I love it.
I also got to go and have a look in Allens, which is a big music store up in Sydney. They have an amazing collection of sheet music. I could easily spend hundreds of dollars in there. I found lots of splendiforous show books, stuff that you cant usually get in Australia, but Allens has it all! What I also love soo much about Allens is its building. Weird huh, but its the grand old building, one thats been there for decades. I guess thats what I love soo much about Melbourne, they have kept most of their old buildings, where Sydney just either knocks them down or leaves them to rot.
I also, oddly, ran into 'Hot Jazz Singer' while I was frolicking around the city. He was completely rude to me, and now I am turned off him entirely. I guess that means im back to being solely enthralled by 'The Prince'. It was really eye openning though. We have had such nice conversations through messages, and then when we meet he turns into a complete dick. Ahh well, I have been warned about him before. I will just have to learn to take others advice.
On a depressing note (well depressing for me, happy for them). There was a really cute gay couple on the train coming home. They were snuggled up to eachother, and having nice little conversations. It was exactly what I yearn for! They were also really, REALLY attractive, and about my age, which did surprise me a little, becasue ive never seen someoen my age be so romantic. Just the way they sat and talked and their gestures. Haha, I sound a little bi tlike a stalker, but they held my attention. Lets just say that I didnt get through much of my book on the train haha.
Someday I will live in the city, perform on its stages, sleep in the clouds. Its always been my friend and my dream to live together in a penthouse in Sydney, preferably overlooking Hyde park, but any will really do haha. One of those amazing ones that has its own pool, and beautiful views. Ahh dreams.


 

Saturday 10 December 2011

A Life So Changed


I really hate it how friends change when they are in a relationship. I dont know if this happens for everyone, but recently one of my best and closest friends has got herself a boyfriend, and she has changed completely. Whenever I see her now, the boyfriend is always there. There is absolutely nothign wrong with the boyfriend, he is lovely, but I want her to talk to me again! It seems shes always either with him, or talking to him on facebook or her mobile. Gah!
Now, take the song out of context. Remove it from the movie. Or, maybe I will just set a new scene for you. Ok, so Rose and Jack are at the front of the ship, you know, 'flying' and all that, and standing about 100 meters behind is Rose's bestfriend. He came on the voyage with her, then she found Jack and went galavanting all over the ship with him, leaving bestfriend alone for the voyage. Then tragically bestfriend dies in the sinking, Rose cries for eternity, losing teh guy she has known her WHOLE LIFE! and guy she has known for a few days.
Gah! what is the big deal about having a partner. Why cant people just be happy alone. Haha, I can talk, it seems that in every post for the past few weeks, ive mentioned something about wanting a boyfriend. Hypocrite! I guess I just dont know what it feels like to have a partner, to be loved, and hugged, and snuggled....sigh. Still! I wouldnt leave my bestie behind!
Anyway, thats my sob story for the day. I am not so depressed about not getting into the Uni, although ive just found out that 'Jazz Singer' has been offered a place at thesame Uni for the Jazz course... That means both 'Prince Charming' and 'Hot Jazz Singer' are possibly moving over the otherside of the country. Life sucks, and then you die...haha

Friday 9 December 2011

Here Comes Santa Claus

Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle,
Oh what a beautiful sight,
So jump in bed, and cover your head,
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

I just realised that I havent put any posts about Christmas up yet! Oh Gosh, I hear you all say! I guess I have just been too busy to even comprehend it. Wow, that is so sad. Im becoming ot busy to remember Christmas! But its all ok, I have remembered, and the celebrations shall begin.
The weirdest part of me forgetting about Christmas is that im doing the Carols by Candlelight, so I have no idea what was going through my head. Haha. Bring on the Christmas cheer!

Defying Gravity

Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

I just found out that the Performing Arts University that I tried out for has said 'thanks but not thanks' this year. I must say, im taking it a little bit worse than I thought I would. I though that id be fine about it, but I guess ive been hoping for soo long that I would get in, and now that I didnt, its really sad. Ahh well, I guess I just have to spend this year buffing up, and perfecting my dance. Its going to happen. I will make it, someday.
It is a very hard University to get into, and they only take 10 boys in Australia into the course. I made it to Callback, which is top 40 guys, so thats pretty amazing in its own right. 'Prince Charming' and his 'Princess' best friend made it in, which is absolutely amazing! I am soo happy for them! I just wish that I was going with them.
My job search is still going horribly, nothing back from any of the places ive applied for. I think thats what my main problem is, I have too much time on my hands, and im spending most of it sitting at home alone. If I had a job, I would be spending my weekdays earnign money, but no, no one wants me. Haha, so dramatic. I think I might go down to the beach and have a swim, kick start my fitness regime for the year with a bang!

Tuesday 6 December 2011

Pure Imagination

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly
Wish to be.

Imagination. A tool that I often have to use, but when I am sick of using my own, its nice to be able to experience someone elses. I have always been a bit of a gamer. I used to be quite addicted, but now im too busy to get into a good game. I always used to love losing myself. Those games where you create your own character, and run through a world of fantasy doing whatever you wanted. I loved Oblivion and Fable, and Kingdom Hearts. Gah! So many memories. I guess really, gaming has had a large effect on me as ive grown up. I remember getting a game called Guild Wars.
My first online game, meaning I could talk and play with other people whilst gaming. This is a bad mix. I started to spend all my time on it, I was quite addicted, but just from talking to people on the otherside of the world, I was learning things. I was experiencing happiness and anger, heartache and love. I know, it sounds pretty weird falling in love with someone you have never met, but it happened for me. I met boys, and we would talk and play for hours together, but there is one who had the most profound effect on me. His name was Dalton, its kinda where I got my Blogger name from, and we met questing for some rare artefact. He was such a nice person, and always genuinely cared for what I had to say, and how I was. We acted as psychiatrists to eachother, always spilling our feelings, and latest real life endevours. We got each other through pretty horrible times. It was nice. Then he stopped playing, and then I stopped playing, and we never talked again.
 I guess you can say that I was in love with Dalton, and that was my first real relationship. The best part was that their wasnt a horrible breakup, because a breakup never happened. We just grew apart.
Still like ot game a little, just for an hour or two when I feel like it. It is an escape. A place where everything is perfect. A utopia. You most likely all think im a real nerd now, but whats wrong with that? :)




Friday 2 December 2011

You Found Me

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me!

Im trying to get my blog back in order. The number of posts during November just wasnt enough. So I have to improve, but then again, it was the busiest month of my life.
So I got a text from my dad this morning, I know, I was surprised too. He wants to get together. "So your exams are over mate, do you want to come down and see the farm?" I dont understand how my exams made it impossible for a call, of which, I didnt get even on my birthday. I dont think he understands that the state that our relationship is in at the moment, that I dont want to go and spend a happy fun weekend frolliking amongst the cows and sheep. If anything, I just want to go and have lunch or something, until the relationship is healed slightly, if thats possible. A further effect of my realtionship with my father is my poverty. I am already living the life of a poor Uni student before ive even started uni!
So this week I began searching for a job. Ive applied for David Jones, Zara, Glue Store, and Fossil. All in Sydney, and all retail. I really hope that something comes out of one, because my current financial situation just isnt good enough! My chemist job is earning me $30 a week, which is better than nothing, but still!, $30! I cant live off that, particularly in the Christmas period. Gah! If anyone can help my job search, all suggestions are welcomed :)
Finally, I will babble on about my romantic status at the moment. Which, is unchanged, annoyingly. No love for me! I think there are two boys who are flirting with me, but im not really into them, so I kinda just turn their flirting into nice conversations. Basically they arent 'Prince' or 'Jazz'. Who im still strung up on. Love sucks! Why cant things ever be easy! I just want an amazing relationship! GAAAAAAH!