Whispering

Listening
To the souls in the fool's night,
Fumbling mutely with their rude hands
And there's heartache without end.

Ive never talked about this before, and I really didnt ever imagine myself talking about it. It's something ive almost forgotten about, yet I never truely will forget. Ive tried to lock it away in my mind, but I guess I really just need to get it out. Maybe im being overly dramatic, I don't know?

When I was thirteen, mum and I lived in this really cool gated off estate, beautiful area, right on the harbour. We had access to gyms, cafes, tennis courts, and pools, all for use by estate residents. It was amazing. It was here that something, quite bad happened to me, and by someone I would never have expected. Mum decided to have a party one Friday night, so she invited a few close friends around. One of her friends bought their son, who was about 16, so that I wouldnt be bored in my room all night, although I kind of think the night would have gone better if I had have been alone. This boy, we will call him James, was from a very prestigious school in Sydney, it was a boarding school, all boys, and was incredibly expensive, very much into its football. He was always really nice to me, and I didnt see a problem with him coming over, I mean I was only 13, I hadnt even really even thought of the idea of myself being gay yet.

We went down to the pool for a swim, the sun was going down, so there were no people. It was really good for a little while, we were having races, 'bombing' competitions, the usual. Until we got into the spa. It was really weird, as if he had a complete change of heart. I remember him talking about things that I really didnt think were very appropriate for me at such a young age.

He then grabbed my hand and put it on his crotch. Initially I thought it was a joke, haha funny, but then I realised he wasnt joking. I quickly withdrew my hand and started to get out of the spa, the key to get out of the pool area was over by the towels, so I made my way over there, but he grabbed my arm and said something like 'Do you really think you can outrun me?' I was a little surprised by what he said, and as I reached for my towel, I accidently pushed his towel onto the ground. He suddenly got very mad. He dragged me over to the shallow pool, and said that I shouldnt have done that. I knew something bad was about to happen, so I tried a few times to get away, but he was always near the key, so I could never get out. Eventually he caught up with me again.

He grabbed my head, and held me under the water, everytime he let me come up to breathe he put my face right on his crotch. I remember he had this look on his face, it was a mixture of anger and happiness and cruelty. It was about the 5th time he pulled me up that I saw him slowly begin to undo his boardshorts. I was pleading for him to let me go. I certainly had no power over him, he was a HUGE 16 year old, and I was just this wimpy little 13. Just as he undid his pants, another person came into the pool area. My saviour, hidden by the guise of a lap swimmer. James quickly let me go, and I ran home. He was close behind, I mean he had to go come back to my house. I remember I had to spend the next 4 hours in the same room as someone who just tried to sexually abuse me.

Ive never told that story, and I dont really know what it means for me to be telling it now. Am I blaming that for making me introverted? Am I blaming it for making me what I am? I guess I am.

I know that my experience is definetly quite small compared to what others have suffered, but I cant imagine what would have happened if the lap swimmer hadnt have interrupted. Everyone just needs to be so aware of the dangers of sexual abuse, it is soo emotionally shattering. I remember that for years I blamed myself for what happened. I thankfully never saw James again. And I guess that by keeping it secret, it kind of means he won, he beat me, he litarally pushed me down and didnt let me get back up.Its a horrible feeling, and I think that even just by me expressing my little experience, I hope that people can understand that it happens. It happens to people who you would never expect it to happen to. It is something that can destroy a person. Thankfully, I guess, I got off lightly, I was able to lock it away.

Maybe that is the reason I am so self conscious, and so shy. Maybe that is the reason I just want to be held, and loved. Maybe I just need to stop blaming myself...